don't stop believin'

i've never had as many meaningful things happening in my life as in 2011.
it was the year of growing up and growing apart. the year of making new friends and letting go. the year of working hard and making my dreams come true. the year of owning the world and losing it all.

it's been truly impressive. looking back i feel incredibly grateful and really sad at the same time.
i went to hawai'i. that was THE dream of my life coming true. i said goodbye to the states just to return after a loooong stretch of work. i had the two most perfect dates in new york. i surfed, well i tried to, out in the hamptons! i got to see people again that mean the world to me. in between i got everything stolen (my ID, money, everything) just to meet the nicest people afterwards.
and after all of that, a new chapter began. moving out. being on my own. having a serious job.

life is about moving on. changing. but somehow i keep coming back to those truly impressive places i've been to this year. those truly amazing people i met. the current life just isn't half as exciting. day to day life is no life. but that's why it's so important to have dreams. to know there's something out there worth fighting for. it's what gets you through dark times. to know there will be light again. shining down on you.
all you gotta do is dream. have hope and faith. and you should fight for it. by fighting i don't necessarily mean doing a lot of stuff, burning down bridges. sometimes it just means waiting out. because it will all work out. as long as you believe in it.

it all did before. and i'm so, so grateful for the past year. i'm not quite sure any year will ever come close. it's been magic.
thank you universe.

"karma is a bitch, you know?"

rumour has it.

seasons change. and so do we. luckily, we rediscover, reinvent ourselves from time to time. sometimes that means leaving people behind. but for everyone you miss, there will be someone new. and that someone does not replace the ones you lost, but this person will crawl into a never seen space in your heart.
i was a single lady for a long time. seriously long time. and i was so comfortable living this life that i forgot how nice it can be to have someone by your side. holding you when you go to sleep. kissing you when you wake up. supporting you in every way.
it wasn't easy get there, and i'm not sure i will ever fully let someone in. there will always be that wild side. wanting to break out and explore new territory. always. but for now, i am comfortable living life as it is. i still dream about hawai'i, new york, chicago and travelling in general every night. and day. i miss it so much, because that's what makes me me. if i could i would be on a plane the next second getting back to everyone and everything i love. but i might take someone with me this time to show 'em my world. where i was born, where i am alive.

it isn't easy opening up. it is actually quite hard. and i am very thankful to have somene by my side who doesn't force me to do anything, to be who i am without any restrictions. he never forced me to take things seriously. everything i did and do was and will ever be ok. and this is the best thing. you give yourself time: time to be with someone, time to get to know someone, time to learn, you will eventually  be able to commit again.

the other great thing is, if i'm honest out here, that nothing lasts forever. if there's one lesson i learned while being on the road, it's that people come and go. and there will always be someone new. but you keep the ones you left behind or who left you, in your heart. forever.

bottom of the sea.

something's not right. when the melancholy is back it hits you. everything you've been trying to cover the past days and weeks. you've been telling yourself not to allow those feelings and thoughts of the past life. of the present you could have right now if you'd have gone another way.
you were just telling your brain to shut the fuck up and follow the rules others made up for you.
it means doing some job every day that bores you. fulfilling some tasks others think matter. acting in a way you think others do appreciate.
the thing just is, you can't do it forever. at least i can't. i always start to search for ways out. out of the job, out of a relationship [btw i did get out and into something more easy], out of a boring life. and if i can't, i start getting grumpy, acting uninterested. i lose my happy self. i lost my happy self. all i'm doing is re-acting.

i have plenty of nightmares lately. then again i'm dreaming about hawai'i.  i dream of living a life in a vibrating community where everyone's thinking like you. where above all, love matters. love for what you do, love for each other without anyone holding you back. without material problems.

we in the western world think our everyday problems are the worst. financial ones, material ones, even relationship wise we often think it cannot get any worse than that.
but i beg you to open you mind to the rest of the world. watch documentaries about things that go on in other parts of the world. you will learn that your life is really not that bad. there are kids in africa growing up just to be abducted by soldiers and be forced to kill, torture or eat brains [watch this].and it's just one of so many problems in the world.
when i see something like it, i cannot help but think that what i am doing out here is meaningless. it's stupid day to day 'living', waiting for the day to be over. but by the end of the day what did you do that really matters?

i am a teacher right now. grade 1-4. you'd think that's an important job, but it feels more like forced interaction. hiding things for the kids to find out instead of being out in the real world. everything is packed and prepared so that the kids get it. trying to make it as real as possible instead of it being real. i want kids to see movies like that. i want kids to know about things that really matter.

respect. love. community. help. openness. decency. modesty.

but you can't teach that by telling made-up stories about kids in africa. those stories are not real.
i don't know where i am going with this, but im just sick of the world i live in. everyone is so dramatic. everyone loses focus about what's really important. it's all money or personal advantage. it's all about competing instead of working together, growing together.

i do want to run from all of this. there has to be a better place in this world where it doesn't matter what you 'have'. where it only matters that you are real.

because right now i feel like i am faking it all. interest, work, love. it doesn't mean it doesn't work, but faking something doesn't make you whole. it's all about pretending.  you become replaceable.

'i've got nothing left of me.'

it is what it is.

sometimes change happens faster than you think would be possible. like a really dramatic change. it comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden, you're in a completely different place. a new situation you might not feel comfortable in.

it just happened to me. well, i let it happen. but i'm still not sure i like it.
i'm in a relationship. there, i said it.

it feels really, really weird. and it has nothing to do with him. it's the situation itself. even before i got into this i was convinced i'm a mess when it comes to relationships. now, i believe it more than ever.
i'm not the type to call 5 times a day. to hold hands all the time or plan my life around a guy. this is so not me. and i don't want to be like that either.

i know a lot of people who jump from one relationship to another, just to not be alone. who don't feel complete on their own. the ones you hardly know as a single.
well, let's say i embraced exactly that. being single, even though sometimes it has its downsides, is the best thing ever. you're free. and it doesn't mean you're not loved.

i have a huge problem commiting to anything. an even bigger one commiting to someone. it feels like i give up on myself, my dreams and plans. because they just don't include someone else but me. i like going places on my own. it sounds so incredibly selfish, i know.

i believe it to be fear. letting oneself fall ain't easy. it takes a lot of courage to go there and allow yourself to get hurt. i think after all the drama in the states i'm just not used to somebody really liking me. there's so much to learn.
after all the drama in the states, i've also become another girl. i'm used to a different kind of dating.  not the safe, predictable kind. i get bored really fast. and i'm afraid that's what's gonna happen. i don't like life to be predictable. i want it to be one big adventure.

gosh, random thoughts. i'm a mess right now. even more than before. mostly scared with a bit of happiness and absolutely no idea how express my feelings in german. that's another thing. everything i want to say just sounds fucking stupid out here. so i don't say anything.

this is gonna be awesome.
so much to learn.
do i want to be in or out?

get inside out.

sometimes you don't believe change until you get proof.

there's a lot of change happening right now and i'm not prepared at all. i go along with it and believe in it to turn out the best way possible. i learned to trust life. to trust the universe. and whatever happens, happens for a reason.
even though i don't appreciate most of the current changes, they are happening. and there's some good in it for sure. i'm about to learn a lot. i already learned a lot. and it's only been a week. about myself. about life. about the future. about change.

there are always people afraid of change. they like where they are. whether it's a place or a state of mind. it's comfortable. nothing to be afraid of, except the change.
but how can you discover new roads, become someone else if you never get out of your comfort zone? if you don't get out? if nothing changes, you don't change.

there was a time in my life where i decided to take my life into my own hands. to change it.
and just like almost everything, change has consequences. sometimes the fear of those keeps you from taking a risk. taking a leap of faith. but even worse, fear can make you stop acting at all. it can be paralysing.
but if you open your eyes and really start to think about it, you will see that most of the time, even the worst consequences are nothing you couldn't take. you would be strong enough to deal with it.
and then it takes trust. and you need to believe in yourself. if you got that, you probably already made the biggest change. you changed your way of thinking. yourself.
what's next are external changes. you let go of things that don't make you happy. that keep you from growing.

the man who looks for security, even in the mind, 

is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones 

which will give him no pain or trouble.

sometimes you choose change. sometimes it happens. it's not always pretty. it's not always easy. in fact, most of the time, it's pretty hard. but you know, it will help you grow. you learn. and then, one day, you will get rewarded. you will get proof that the change worth it. that the things that happened to you taught you such valuable lessons, you wouldn't make it without them. you might think back and realize it was one of the best things happening to you.

if nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

so that's what happened to me last week. it might sound stupid, but getting elected to represent others, be a voice for them, has never happened to me before. i didn't even have a voice a couple of years ago. it was some kind of proof that i am not as small and unlikeable as i always thought i was.

how many ways are there to say that i forgot?

figured out all the details and the things that i am not.

i worked hard to break away from troubled time,

i moved far i didn't stay to join the line.
because i looked inside and i told inside to get out.