perfectly lonely.

nothing to do, nowhere to be
a simple little kind of free
nothing to do, no one to be
is it really hard to see?

i'm perfectly lonely, cause I don't belong to anyone
and nobody belongs to me

i am.
the past weeks have been filled with ups and downs, emotional rollercoasters.
i felt so much that i didn't know what to think anymore.
or i overthought everything, so i couldn't decide what i wanted to feel.
but right now, i feel like i finally became an adult. maybe not behavior-likewise, but i made up my mind. i know what my life should look like, relationshipwise, for the next years.
there are only two choices: either having a serious relationship where you know how it should end like. you know, the whole program. or being single and enjoying life.

it's obvious what i'll choose. just because i have the time of my life right now. i've never had the time where i went out a lot, did all those stupid things you do as a teenager. i've never been a real student filled with sleeping, partying and sleeping. but i chose to do so and honestly, i don't regret it. it's much more fun doing all those things while travelling. you are free to do whatever you do. no one will ever know, hardly anyone is going to judge you.

i am free. and i love it.
i might fall in love. but where's the point in starting a relationship neither of you is ready to commit. i have commitment issues. i love being free.
it's not just the travelling, not being bound to one place for the rest of your life.
it's also the heart-thing. i'm scared of being bound to one person for the rest of my life.
i just think it's too early. i will see so much more. i will meet so many more people. during the end of my last relationship i panicked when other people talked about or marriage and how it should look like. this made me realize he's not the guy. and there probably won't be a guy until i've seen all i want to see.

i can hardly understand people getting married at a very young age.
did you ever live? i mean, how do you know he's or she's the one?

i simply want to see the world before i decide where to settle down. i know my direction, i know what i'm searching for and where to find it. i haven't seen those places yet which means i have to explore them. commit some time of my life to try out if it fits. it will take at least 3 more years until i know. then i'll be almost 27. maybe then i'll be ready. maybe then we'll meet again and the both of us have grown up, made up our minds, are ready to settle down. or maybe there will be another place waiting for me i haven't even considered yet. but i have to see those places first to know what's out there and if it'd fit.

and this is not to say there never comes a day
i take my chances and start again
and when i look behind on all my younger times
i have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong.

that's the way that i want it.

music was my first love.

it's been a while since i've written something about music. i was more occupied with my personal stuff. but there is one thing that will always get me through everything: music.

i don't know exactly when this passion started, but it was jack johnson. some people might not like him, because he is too smooth, too relaxed and seems just boring. i love him or better said his music. it's the kind that's real and honest. no big arrangements. he easily entertains 13000 people with just a guitar. i am lucky to have seen him in 2oo6, but i'm sad to have missed him last year. i even had a ticket for his show at the loreley in germany. but that's the way it goes. you plan something and then life happens. so i ended up working as an entertainer in bulgaria, giving away my ticket to a friend of mine [who rather sold it than going]. i might have not been the only one who missed him.
and luckily, mr johnson and the malloys decided to film his world tour and release it as another cd/dvd-package [en concert]. of course i got it as soon as it came out a few weeks ago, but honestly, until now i didn't felt like watching the dvd. i'm sure it is great, but it'll also hurt, because he is not jason mraz - who is constantly touring. there are only a few chances to catch him. but hey, doesn't that sound like a thing to accomplish before the year runs out?

speaking of which, my favorite singer-songwriter ever happened to also release a cd/dvd thing called 'jason mraz's a beautiful mess: life on earth'. i saw the dvd [the concert was filmed in chicago, but there's also a bunch of special stuff on it] and i love it. especially the documentation with bushwalla aka billy galewood aka william turner is so worth watching. i kinda compare the concert to stuttgart though. after almost half a year, i still wish i could back to that one [see this blog]. what i love about this release is having amazing live versions of old and new songs. he just rocks live. and hopefully, that will be appreciated next year, because he is nominated for two grammys. this year, he lost the best male pop vocal performance [for 'i'm yours'] against john mayer and 'say'. 'i'm yours' might not be his best song, but vocally, hardly anyone can reach mr. mraz [so i was kinda pissed, sorry john]. i hope, the people who vote will get it right this time, if not i'd like to have them sit down and listen to live version of 'unfold', 'mr. curiosity' or 'dreamlife of rand mcnally'. well, enough said. i just want to congratulate jason, he totally deserves it.

the one who can not beat him this time, because his latest record 'battle studies' was released too late, is john mayer. i love him to bits [and am finally going to see him live next year!]. he is one of the best guitar players of our time [but voacally, that was the thing that bothered me him beating jason]. i don't know yet what to think about his latest release. it's good, no question. it is different from all the other records and i love the lyrics. they kind of reflect my life right now. but can it reach 'continuum'? i think, it still has to grow a bit more on me. but i'm sure the next grammys will be all about him again. [i'm still wishing for jason to release a killer-album though].

that's it for all the well known artists. just throwing in my 50 cents.
but there are so many more people who make the most wonderful music and maybe [and sadly] will never be as big as the ones already mentioned.

the one i love most is greg holden. i talked about him before. i will talk about him again.
i am happy to say that i had the chance to meet him twice so far and like all the other musicians, he's just a normal guy. he moved to new york earlier this year to really get his career going. and it did work out as far as i can tell. he toured huge parts of the US with ingrid michaelson. and i bet, everyone who did not know him before, fell in love with his voice. that's at least what happens to EVERYONE i know. the first comment is always: "gosh, i love his voice." but that's not everything. his music is just perfect. when i saw him at the rockwood music hall in new york, there was a girl who turned around [during 'walking on sunshine' - i couldn't do anything but singing along] and asked me if i had seen him before. all i could do was saying "yeah, i did" with a huge smile. her next comment was: "i didn't know him, but he is SO good!". nodding was pretty much everything i could do then..."i know."

and that's what i'm trying to tell you. listen to his songs. support him by buying his stuff from itunes if you like it. it is so worth it.

the rockwood was the place where i also saw amber rubarth for the first time. the only thing i knew about her was that she is also part of the paper raincoat. i still have to get their record, but this live-version of 'rewind' is just awesome and i'm dying to hear more of them.

anyway, she is pretty awesome, too.
i don't know if i told you before that [except for ingrid michaelson] i hardly like any female singer-songwriters. amber is another exception. she is an amazing person who makes great, great music! i constantly listen to her songs, still trying to find out which is my favorite. "wish we'd gotten drunk" is one of the most played the last week, but for another reason [lyrics!!]. so if you trust me just a little, go and check her out. her last record is called 'good mystery'.

ok, just to stay with the rockwood artists this time, i'm going to repeat myself by writing a few lines about ian axel. having seen him in hamburg for the first time made me fall in love. his lyrics are honest, but his personality is what makes me fall for him. he's not the born entertainer or the most outgoing person. and that's what i love about him. some songs just seem to reflect exactely myself and what i'm feeling. seeing him in new york with a bass and drums [yeah, i must admit i liked it ;)] was great. he has a new album [his first real record actually, after the 'im on to you EP'] coming out on january 5. and i'm stoked to hear it. so far, i only got the chance to listen to the new recording of 'this is the new year' and i can tell you it sounds amazing. i hope, this song made it on there, too.

i also saw nate campany and dan torres. i liked both a lot! unfortunately, nate has only released two EP's so far and i don't own any music of dan torres yet. but i will do my best and find out more about both of them. until then, it's your turn to listen to all the artists i mentioned.
and i want you to tell me about artists i didn't mention yet. if you know anyone who makes great music [preferably male singer-songwriters ;)], i want to know about them! i just fall for good music and you can never have enough, right?

these musicians accompany me every day. the first thing in the morning is docking my ipod and turning it up. i might have had the worst day, i might have had my heart broken.
hearing these songs makes me cry and it makes me smile. i couldn't live without it.

...and it will be my last.

high and low.

if i could choose, i'd rather be happy. but is this a decision you can make?

there are days i'm feeling high, because my friends build me up, hug and love me [even though it's just virtually]. my brain and the whole system produces just enough serotonin and positive thoughts to see everything in a good light.
and then i talk to my best friends for hours and hours and still can't get out of my hole. everything seems difficult, even impossible to get through. the air feels heavy and it gets hard to breath.
i mean, it's not their fault. they are amazing, YOU are amazing. just simple, short, random messages can make my day, lift me up, even in my lowest low. they might not bring me to my highest high, but it's still the thought that lets me know that there's someone out there who cares enough to write me, even if you know that i'll probably don't reply.

on a good day i might write the most engaging and motivating blog ever, telling you to just be yourself, believe in what you do, follow your dreams and everything will be alright. and then again, when i feel depressed for whatever reason, everything i write about seems dark and without hope. the truth is somewhere in between, but mostly on the positive side.

yesterday was a good day, full of energy and packed with friends and random amazing messages. today was packed with my best friends trying to build me up, but i still feel like shit. and here i am, writing again. there is a reason i do it. and a reason for the way i do it. but it's not the time to tell yet.

writing, yeah. but no whining today. i'm good. low, but good.
i have everything i need, not less or more than i had four weeks ago when i was completely happy. what happened in between was an outlook on how my life could, maybe someday will be. maybe, in the future, i will have the cutest guy on my side who kisses and loves and doesn't leave me. if not, there are still ways to make myself happy. 'cause i've done that for the past couple of years and didn't miss anything. i was perfectly lonely. so why not now?
i guess, the short taste of how it could be was good. too good maybe. maybe i don't deserve to experience that over a longer period of time, but i like to believe it was just bad timing.

i am grateful that i got a couple of good male friends who share their opinions on how a male brain works. i still don't really get what has happened and they also couldn't explain it to me. or maybe i've just been told the wrong reason to not hurt me more than it already did. anyway, in dating and relationship-related issues there is the question how to react properly. all the guys gave me the same hint what to do next time, but i'm not sure i am like that.
i've been emotionally attached to this and i'm not build for playing games. neither do i fight a lot. i hate screaming and it's hard to unwind myself, even in a year-long relationship.
today i wondered if that might be boring. someone who doesn't yell and scream and throws objects in an argument. who doesn't behave girly by calling, texting and annoying the guy who let her down. but i came to the conclusion that that's just me. if you need a girl that behaves like that, go for it. you will not find it in me. i argue, no question. but there are calmer and more appropriate ways to do that. sitting down and finding a solution together. it doesn't mean that i'm not emotionally involved. rather the opposite.

so i won't play games. i will try to go on and see what time has to offer. i won't run after a guy. i just won't. you have to realize for yourself if i'm important enough. if i am, "things have a way of working themselves out" [thank YOU for saying that!].

i choose to be me. to not play the games others would do. to not act like someone i'm not. because i want to be loved for who i am. and apparently there are some people who do. that surprises me most. but i love you guys right back the way you do, when not even more (weird english, sorry). even if there's only a thought about me sometimes, thank you. there are a lot of people i didn't write to the past months, but that doesn't mean i don't think about you and wonder what you're doing and if we ever meet again. what are you up to, guys?

i'll let time decide.
i'll let time heal the wounds.
i won't hurry, because this is life. it is about getting hurt and being happy. laughing and crying. celebrating and getting away from it all. loving and ignoring (not hating, i could hardly hate anyone, because there is something good in everyone of us). leaving and coming back.
and i pray that someday it all may come back to me, to everyone of us.
that everyone gets the love he deserves.


i ♥ ♥.

the art of falling.

i'm single now for far more than two years and i usually don't have a problem with that at all. honestly, i kinda like it. why? i think i explained that before.

yesterday, i celebrated my first thanksgiving ever. we squeezed 25 people in our home. not that it's a small one, but preparing food [luckily, it was from a caterer], setting plates and stuff and cleaning up is a hell lot of work. so it was crowded. but i felt as alone as i haven't felt in years.

it's better to make your mistakes than to live without knowing.
it's better to fall on your face than to stay on your feet
as long as you tried.

i took a risk. i opened up a little, which is a lot for me.
being single teaches you to be independent, strong and let nothing distract you easily. you learn how to protect your heart. i honestly thought i wouldn't be able to become attached to someone. my last relationship was based on a crush of a 17-year old and i never felt like 'this guy is the one. he is just too cute and good to be true'. but this is what you want, you know? someone who amazes you every day. after these [almost 4.5] years, i was happy to be on my own again, enjoying life. there was only one guy i crushed on during all these months of being alone. it didn't work out, because he had a girlfriend and i hate people who try to destroy a relationship on purpose. if you really like someone you want him to be happy. he was. so i let it go.

the thing that suprised me the last weeks was that i'm actually able to like someone, to fall for something. i thought it'd take a lot, but apparently i got a thing for difficult guys. the type of guys where you know it won't work out and you'll get hurt.
and i knew it, i knew it from the very beginning. he's either not falling for me at all or he's going to hurt me, any way. but the thing is, you'll never know as long as you don't try it. there is always the chance that you are the one. you might be the one who can change a guy, who is worth fighting for. these days i realize i'm not. that might sound depressing. well, it is.

i know that it's frightening, but it's also exciting,
i'm taking a risk that i know is worth fighting.

neither of the two cases i described above has happened, it's somewhere in between which makes it even worse. it has never happened to me before, so going through that whole heartbreak-thing is the first time. it hurts a lot.


this is the best i can do to describe my situation right now. i'm not good at it and i do it more for me than for you, just to clear my head. i need to tell it to someone and since i'm pretty alone here, this is the only way to verbalize it.

the point is: taking a risk, whether it's telling somebody how you feel or breaking out of old habits and routines to try something completely different, is not bad. you should go for it. it might change nothing, it might make it worse, but it also might make your life a whole lot better. the fact that it didn't work out for me doesn't mean it's always like that. if you don't try you'll never know. and that will mess up your mind, at least it would have mine.
i won't give up hope because of that, i will keep on living my life and try to move on. it might take some time, but there are too many good things in this world that are worth living for. and who knows, maybe it won't take another 2 years? [lol]

sometimes it's hard to think my time here is ending
it troubles me to think about who i've offended
but i can't live my life in the interest of those,
holding me back when i'm stood on my toes

even though thanksgiving, the day of telling what you are grateful for, was yesterday i want to give my thanks to the family i'm staying with. they are some of the nicest people i've ever met and i love them to death, every single one.
i am grateful for the kids finally starting to opening up. they want to show me things, play with me and don't always fight back when i tell them something. and they start to care. today one of the boys asked me why i look so sad. and i thought i'd be a pretty good actor.
i am grateful for my life in general. with all it's ups and downs, it's still one of the most awesome ones i know of. getting hurt only means you're not dead and it tells me i'm not that cold bitch i thought i was.
i am thankful that i did take that chance.
and i am thankful for honesty and respect. even though your courage sometimes doesn't pay back, you will not live without knowing 'what if'.

what are YOU grateful for today?

i will be grateful for this day.

someday, not right now.
until then, i am listening to tons of music trying to understand.
i am thankful there's such a thing as music.

here are lyrics some that fit perfectly right now. i could write a blog about each one.

The colored lights, they brightly shine, unlike your eyes avoiding mine.

december baby, ingrid michaelson

don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'cause i'm just about to set fire to everything i see
i want you so bad i'll go back on the things i believe
there i just said it, i'm scared you'll forget about me

edge of desire, john mayer

you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
and baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
but your eyes are warning me this early morning
you've got the sort of laugh that waters me and makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
i find you stunning, but you are running me down
tell me what to do to take away the you

sort of, ingrid michaelson

i wish we’d gotten drunk so the kiss had an excuse
i wish i’d slurred my words when i said you had my heart

i wish we'd gotten drunk, amber rubarth

when you think you're safe, you fall upon your knees.
or just sit within your picture. you still forget the breeze.

elephant, damien rice

i am falling faster to the ground
punched at every corner with my arms securely bound
and i am waiting for existence to hold me by the hand
explain that all’s not lost for me and make me understand
that i am free

choking on the concrete, greg holden

i long for something more than me
i long for something more than you in my head
you're in my head, you're always in my head

something more, ingrid michaelson

i am truly sorry for my depression right now.
there are a thousand more quotes i might find if i keep on listening.
i'll try to explain my situation in the upcoming blog. but if you don't want to get depressed, don't read it! ;)
i love you and want to hug all of you right now.
[i am sorry]

be love. ;)