more love.

 what do you fight for?

love. acceptance. freedom. happiness. more love.

and it all starts with you. 

love yourself. accept yourself. free yourself. be happy with yourself and your life. love yourself more.

this is the hard part. 

if you're a little like me, struggling and doubting if you're on the right path is part of daily life. there are times, i think i have it all figured out. i am just super happy, simply in the moment, connecting with myself and the people around me. and sooner than later, i find myself isolated, very low on energy, being and feeling alone. 

during my high times, i love life. i love myself. i love everyone around me. 

during my lows. well, i've gotten better at it. contrary to past times, i now tend to want to work on myself. it's not always happening though. 

i am impatient. i have commitment issues. i tend to want to make everyone around me feel happy without attuning to my own needs. i overwork myself and then get overwhelmed and exhausted. i often pride myself in needing as little as possible. i simply have a hard time showing up for myself before showing up for everyone else.

it's gotten better with the help of therapy (which i am in urgent need of right now). what you learn there, is that every single one of your issues is connected to your childhood. there are always a few (or a lot!) issues that need to be worked on. and i am very grateful to have found a super sweet therapist. last time i went was in may/june. right before going to tanzania. it was the best thing! i was so at ease with who i am and what i am not. i loved myself in situations i would have beaten myself up over before. it's such a great thing, i would recommend it to everyone (even if you don't think you have 'problems')!

now, as the dark season's coming along, so does my mood. paired with the pandemic and living alone as a single woman in your mid 30's, it's recipe for depression. but, as i mentioned before, i now don't (want to) give in to that and keep on working on myself to make it better. to work might not be the right verb here though. i need to learn myself. learn what makes me happy, what my needs are. learn, how to get over my commitment issues. learn to find rituals that keep me organized, allow enough time to attend to my needs and learn how to connect with other human beings in a sustainable way.

what makes me happy is something i realized only a few days ago. on the superficial level, i've always known that it is travel, sunshine, summer, the ocean and music. but just few days ago i talked to my massage therapist about where you really want to go in life. i brought up that teaching (and all the other jobs i take on) bore me, i don't really want to build a house and start a family. i simply haven't found my place yet. he asked me what i love, what makes my heart beat faster.

and there it was. i LOVE (good) music. above all, that's what guarantees to make me happy. i wrote a blog post a decade ago titled music was my first love, every blog title ever was a song title, i never go a single day without music, i sing and i dance (all by myself).

it took me over a decade to understand it. when i started to talk about new york and the musicians i was so lucky to spend a second of their time with, my body started shaking. it's the thing that makes my heart beat faster. i got close to that realization back in june. that music people are my kind of people.  open minded, creative, talented, passionate and hard working paired with a love for music, the planet and fighting for equality. 

i don't now what to make of this. i don't know where to beging to start living a life that includes those kinds of people, music and travel and fighting for what is right. 

maybe, yet most likely, it starts with me. so back to square one: more love.

there is enough, so ask for more

to fill you up, nobody's keeping score

do you know what you fight for, what you fight for?

i want more love.

what do you fight for?

- sara bareilles, more love. (highly recommended!)