would've, could've, should've

 

welcome back, it's been a while.

every so often, i get the urge to try out something new - watercolor painting, making my own candles, creating an insta related to plants or school, rearranging my apartment. it never lasts. it's that short spurt of energy, that newness that creates dopamine temporarily.

2023 has been a difficult year. actually, it all started at the end of 2021, but took until the fall of 2022 to lead into proper burnout. lots of soul-searching and therapy later, here we are. those slow days between the hustle and bustle of christmas and the supposed "big party" of the new year. and as always, you get asked: what are your plans? what do you wish to accomplish in 2024?

back in the day, when i was very active on here, i used to believe that the way you spend new years' is gonna determine how the following year is gonna go for you. if that is so, i plan on spending a cozy, happy night doing whatever the fuck i want at any given moment. because that's my big plan for the upcoming year.

the past 18-24 months have been defined by headaches, migraines, mental health struggles and feeling guilty, lazy and generally bad the majority of the time. i am over it. i feel, as i am slowly but very surely approaching my 40s, like i have figured out who i am and what i want by now. i don't apologize for that anymore. you can either take it or leave. that seems very obvious to some. 

but i have always been a people pleaser who put the needs of everyone before her own: going to work in a lot of pain, attending that thing i never wanted to go to, caring for people while i was hurting. 

especially with (my) family, i was very frequently met with a lack of understanding, guilt-tripped into doing certain things and not accepted for who i am. luckily, i never gave in to certain things. and those things are not, i realize now, what make me truly happy.

if it had been for certain people, i would be married with at least one kid right now. i would have never seen most parts of the world on my own. i would have never gotten those tattoos. - so glad i decided otherwise.

the upcoming year(s), i want to give zero fucks about what other people expect of me. i live to make myself happy, because in the end, that's all i got. so here's the plan for 2024:

i want to finally get that adhd-diagnosis, so me and everyone around me has a better chance of understanding.

i want to travel as much as my heart desires. i work to live, not to have kids, own some house or get rich. i want to get high on life.

i want to tune into my feeling, my body and soul and determine if i actually want to do THAT thing and what i need to thrive. 

i want to get that dog i wanted since i was a kid.

i don't want there to be any would've, could've, should'ves looking back.

so, if it is ever so often i try out something new, or old, it is because it makes me happy - even if it's  just for a moment. 

in the end, it's the happy moments that count.