somewhere over the rainbow...

don't stop believin'

2011-12-29T09:37:00.000-05:00

i've never had as many meaningful things happening in my life as in 2011.
it was the year of growing up and growing apart. the year of making new friends and letting go. the year of working hard and making my dreams come true. the year of owning the world and losing it all.

it's been truly impressive. looking back i feel incredibly grateful and really sad at the same time.
i went to hawai'i. that was THE dream of my life coming true. i said goodbye to the states just to return after a loooong stretch of work. i had the two most perfect dates in new york. i surfed, well i tried to, out in the hamptons! i got to see people again that mean the world to me. in between i got everything stolen (my ID, money, everything) just to meet the nicest people afterwards.
and after all of that, a new chapter began. moving out. being on my own. having a serious job.

life is about moving on. changing. but somehow i keep coming back to those truly impressive places i've been to this year. those truly amazing people i met. the current life just isn't half as exciting. day to day life is no life. but that's why it's so important to have dreams. to know there's something out there worth fighting for. it's what gets you through dark times. to know there will be light again. shining down on you.
all you gotta do is dream. have hope and faith. and you should fight for it. by fighting i don't necessarily mean doing a lot of stuff, burning down bridges. sometimes it just means waiting out. because it will all work out. as long as you believe in it.

it all did before. and i'm so, so grateful for the past year. i'm not quite sure any year will ever come close. it's been magic.
thank you universe.

"karma is a bitch, you know?"

rumour has it.

2011-10-29T12:09:00.000-04:00

seasons change. and so do we. luckily, we rediscover, reinvent ourselves from time to time. sometimes that means leaving people behind. but for everyone you miss, there will be someone new. and that someone does not replace the ones you lost, but this person will crawl into a never seen space in your heart.
i was a single lady for a long time. seriously long time. and i was so comfortable living this life that i forgot how nice it can be to have someone by your side. holding you when you go to sleep. kissing you when you wake up. supporting you in every way.
it wasn't easy get there, and i'm not sure i will ever fully let someone in. there will always be that wild side. wanting to break out and explore new territory. always. but for now, i am comfortable living life as it is. i still dream about hawai'i, new york, chicago and travelling in general every night. and day. i miss it so much, because that's what makes me me. if i could i would be on a plane the next second getting back to everyone and everything i love. but i might take someone with me this time to show 'em my world. where i was born, where i am alive.

it isn't easy opening up. it is actually quite hard. and i am very thankful to have somene by my side who doesn't force me to do anything, to be who i am without any restrictions. he never forced me to take things seriously. everything i did and do was and will ever be ok. and this is the best thing. you give yourself time: time to be with someone, time to get to know someone, time to learn, you will eventually be able to commit again.

the other great thing is, if i'm honest out here, that nothing lasts forever. if there's one lesson i learned while being on the road, it's that people come and go. and there will always be someone new. but you keep the ones you left behind or who left you, in your heart. forever.

bottom of the sea.

2011-09-18T08:00:00.002-04:00

something's not right. when the melancholy is back it hits you. everything you've been trying to cover the past days and weeks. you've been telling yourself not to allow those feelings and thoughts of the past life. of the present you could have right now if you'd have gone another way.
you were just telling your brain to shut the fuck up and follow the rules others made up for you.
it means doing some job every day that bores you. fulfilling some tasks others think matter. acting in a way you think others do appreciate.
the thing just is, you can't do it forever. at least i can't. i always start to search for ways out. out of the job, out of a relationship [btw i did get out and into something more easy], out of a boring life. and if i can't, i start getting grumpy, acting uninterested. i lose my happy self. i lost my happy self. all i'm doing is re-acting.

i have plenty of nightmares lately. then again i'm dreaming about hawai'i. i dream of living a life in a vibrating community where everyone's thinking like you. where above all, love matters. love for what you do, love for each other without anyone holding you back. without material problems.

we in the western world think our everyday problems are the worst. financial ones, material ones, even relationship wise we often think it cannot get any worse than that.
but i beg you to open you mind to the rest of the world. watch documentaries about things that go on in other parts of the world. you will learn that your life is really not that bad. there are kids in africa growing up just to be abducted by soldiers and be forced to kill, torture or eat brains [watch this].and it's just one of so many problems in the world.
when i see something like it, i cannot help but think that what i am doing out here is meaningless. it's stupid day to day 'living', waiting for the day to be over. but by the end of the day what did you do that really matters?

i am a teacher right now. grade 1-4. you'd think that's an important job, but it feels more like forced interaction. hiding things for the kids to find out instead of being out in the real world. everything is packed and prepared so that the kids get it. trying to make it as real as possible instead of it being real. i want kids to see movies like that. i want kids to know about things that really matter.

respect. love. community. help. openness. decency. modesty.

but you can't teach that by telling made-up stories about kids in africa. those stories are not real.
i don't know where i am going with this, but im just sick of the world i live in. everyone is so dramatic. everyone loses focus about what's really important. it's all money or personal advantage. it's all about competing instead of working together, growing together.

i do want to run from all of this. there has to be a better place in this world where it doesn't matter what you 'have'. where it only matters that you are real.

because right now i feel like i am faking it all. interest, work, love. it doesn't mean it doesn't work, but faking something doesn't make you whole. it's all about pretending. you become replaceable.

'i've got nothing left of me.'

it is what it is.

2011-08-25T16:56:00.000-04:00

sometimes change happens faster than you think would be possible. like a really dramatic change. it comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden, you're in a completely different place. a new situation you might not feel comfortable in.

it just happened to me. well, i let it happen. but i'm still not sure i like it.
i'm in a relationship. there, i said it.

it feels really, really weird. and it has nothing to do with him. it's the situation itself. even before i got into this i was convinced i'm a mess when it comes to relationships. now, i believe it more than ever.
i'm not the type to call 5 times a day. to hold hands all the time or plan my life around a guy. this is so not me. and i don't want to be like that either.

i know a lot of people who jump from one relationship to another, just to not be alone. who don't feel complete on their own. the ones you hardly know as a single.
well, let's say i embraced exactly that. being single, even though sometimes it has its downsides, is the best thing ever. you're free. and it doesn't mean you're not loved.

i have a huge problem commiting to anything. an even bigger one commiting to someone. it feels like i give up on myself, my dreams and plans. because they just don't include someone else but me. i like going places on my own. it sounds so incredibly selfish, i know.

i believe it to be fear. letting oneself fall ain't easy. it takes a lot of courage to go there and allow yourself to get hurt. i think after all the drama in the states i'm just not used to somebody really liking me. there's so much to learn.
after all the drama in the states, i've also become another girl. i'm used to a different kind of dating. not the safe, predictable kind. i get bored really fast. and i'm afraid that's what's gonna happen. i don't like life to be predictable. i want it to be one big adventure.

gosh, random thoughts. i'm a mess right now. even more than before. mostly scared with a bit of happiness and absolutely no idea how express my feelings in german. that's another thing. everything i want to say just sounds fucking stupid out here. so i don't say anything.

this is gonna be awesome.
so much to learn.
do i want to be in or out?

get inside out.

2011-08-05T19:07:00.000-04:00

sometimes you don't believe change until you get proof.

there's a lot of change happening right now and i'm not prepared at all. i go along with it and believe in it to turn out the best way possible. i learned to trust life. to trust the universe. and whatever happens, happens for a reason.
even though i don't appreciate most of the current changes, they are happening. and there's some good in it for sure. i'm about to learn a lot. i already learned a lot. and it's only been a week. about myself. about life. about the future. about change.

there are always people afraid of change. they like where they are. whether it's a place or a state of mind. it's comfortable. nothing to be afraid of, except the change.
but how can you discover new roads, become someone else if you never get out of your comfort zone? if you don't get out? if nothing changes, you don't change.

there was a time in my life where i decided to take my life into my own hands. to change it.
and just like almost everything, change has consequences. sometimes the fear of those keeps you from taking a risk. taking a leap of faith. but even worse, fear can make you stop acting at all. it can be paralysing.
but if you open your eyes and really start to think about it, you will see that most of the time, even the worst consequences are nothing you couldn't take. you would be strong enough to deal with it.
and then it takes trust. and you need to believe in yourself. if you got that, you probably already made the biggest change. you changed your way of thinking. yourself.
what's next are external changes. you let go of things that don't make you happy. that keep you from growing.

the man who looks for security, even in the mind,

is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones

which will give him no pain or trouble.

sometimes you choose change. sometimes it happens. it's not always pretty. it's not always easy. in fact, most of the time, it's pretty hard. but you know, it will help you grow. you learn. and then, one day, you will get rewarded. you will get proof that the change worth it. that the things that happened to you taught you such valuable lessons, you wouldn't make it without them. you might think back and realize it was one of the best things happening to you.

if nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

so that's what happened to me last week. it might sound stupid, but getting elected to represent others, be a voice for them, has never happened to me before. i didn't even have a voice a couple of years ago. it was some kind of proof that i am not as small and unlikeable as i always thought i was.

how many ways are there to say that i forgot?

figured out all the details and the things that i am not.

i worked hard to break away from troubled time,

i moved far i didn't stay to join the line.
because i looked inside and i told inside to get out.

modern love.

2011-07-24T18:20:00.000-04:00

what happened to that story...boy meets girl. both fall in love and live happily ever after?
i guess times have changed. our generation lives at a time characterized by the world wide web. twitter. facebook. youtube. you name it.
everyone's on it, no one can live without it. it's become such a great part of our lives. we get to create ourselves. pictures are posted. statuses are updated. everyone likes attention. everyone likes to be someone. to be liked. to have some meaning.
but the thing is we spend so much time creating someone that we sometimes forget the real world. be someone right where you are.

on the other hand we think that a social profile tells us everything we need to know about a person. relationship status. posts. pictures. it's all right there, isn't it?
but since when do we believe in something that only exists when we turn on a certain device?
it is not the real world. not the real person. posting on each others wall, writing a message, posting a picture doesn't necessarily make you friends in the real world. how much time do you actually spend with your 'friends'?
i don't hate on social media. i'm actually pretty much into it. it's a great way to stay updated. about people's lives you met once. to stay in contact. but it's not gonna keep a friendship alive forever. you might reconnect one day, but if you don't spend any personal, face-to-face time with each other, it's just gonna be someone you used to know. and you still think to know everything about. because it's all right there, isn't it?
think about a friend. a lover. someone you're interested in. if you check it regularly feelings of jealousy or disappointment might come up. you find something you don't like, something that makes you want to move on. so you're making this decision based on a web-page.
so instead. why don't we go and create real memories with real people? have endless conversations about life, politics or love? showing real interest in a person rather than assuming things.
it often feels superficial. the times we live in. no one ever puts a real effort in getting to know each other anymore. it's all games. short-termed encounters.

'when did we, when did we get so careful?'

you meet someone and you click. but then it always feels like that's the end. at least in my world.

'kiss quick. i've got a line out the door

who all think they can save me.

one by one they lay the world at my feet.

one by one they go away.'

i might be because of the fear of getting hurt. too many games have been played. too many broken hearts. what if you allow yourself to fall for someone and then it doesn't work out? again? how many broken hearts can you take?
there comes a point where you shut down. you don't anything serious anymore. words. kisses. messages. on top of that the social media tells you what else is going in that persons' life.
why is the person online, but doesn't answer? why didn't he like what i said? who's that guy in the picture? and then again, before we get hurt, we move on.

it's hard to figure out love in our generation.
we should meet someone and exchange nothing but numbers and go from there. take our time getting to know the other person. no googling. no facebook. no twitter. getting to know the real person. their story. their hopes and dreams. their fears. whatever they want to share.
and you will feel based on real life.
we don't know someone just because we went through their entire online profile.
there is so much more to life than a web-page. there is so much more to love.

'this modern love is not enough.'

and on a personal note. i tweet/twitter/whatevertheheckitscalled. i blog. and i have a facebook.
basically, twitter is for bitchin' about everything. blogging is for everything that goes on in that head of mine. and facebook shows that happy girl who goes to all those amazing places, parties and has a few wonderful friends. but don't ever think, just because you've seen those pages, you know me. this is not real life.

into the wild.

2011-07-23T19:21:00.000-04:00

"make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty."
— Jon Krakauer (Into the Wild - best. movie ever.)

the american dream.

2011-07-20T19:03:00.000-04:00

i miss it.

i miss hawai'i. the sunshine on my face. my feet leaving footprints in the sand. the rainforest right outside honolulu. the oh so beautiful underwater world. the freedom of going wherever you want whenever you want. the feeling of being far, far away from it all [and actually being really far away from it all]. the magical moments where sea turtles pop up right next to you while you are paddling out to catch the next perfect wave. the dolphins that swim right next to you while kayaking and thumb-sized whales jumping out of the ocean. the reef cuts on your feet. the weather news only focusing on the surf and the winds. the mountains covered in snow or red soil. the flowers. the warmth. the sound of the ocean.
i miss the feeling of being content.

i miss michigan. the friends. the partys. the dates. the lakes. the kids. the first-time stand-up paddling errors. the making fun of couples acting dumb with your best friend. the at least 50mile drives to get where you should be. the once-again realization that you can't stand being on a boat with 15 drunk people while being sober. sitting underneath the fireworks while listening to the 'remedy' and cuddling with your favorite kid in the world. on a boat. the endless talks about guys and how we're never gonna find someone who's gonna live up our expectations.
i miss the feeling of being free.

i miss new york. the humid weather that makes you straighten your hair 5 times a day. the unexpected awesome nights in a tiny surf bar. the 1500 calorie cheesecake you finish without any worries. lying at the beach while super large waves cover almost all of it and surfers just rock it. the no-need-to-dry-your-hair weather. the super clear water underneath your surfboard. the city with all its beauty. the 5 mosquitos biting you within 2 minutes [yes, even those]. the train rides.
i miss the feeling of being happy.

i miss traveling.
i miss YOU.

blame it on the changes.

2011-07-14T16:53:00.002-04:00

how can you miss something that never even existed? like you meet someone and that person is amazing. but the next second you have to turn around and leave. leave it all behind without having been able to really getting to know the other person. their dreams, their hopes and fears. you will never know if you're going to see that person again, if it could have been your soulmate, the one that could have been around the rest of your life.

i think when you travel it happens a lot. you change places every week, even every few days. but somehow you always seem to meet those special people right before the next flight is gonna take off. you might have a few hours or days which makes it even harder in the end, cause you found someone you click with.

i don't think it's a matter of missed chances, it's just a matter of timing. being at the right place at the wrong time. or even the right time, just not long enough. then you have to say goodbye before you even really get to know each other.

is it patience that gets you where you are supposed to be? fate? coincidence?
it upsets me a lot of times, because it feels like missing out on something or someone.
it just sucks never being at the right place at the right time for long enough.

but then again i need to learn how to appreciate the people that are present in my life. i too often forget about them, because i'm so lost in my memories of the times where i have been truly happy.
there is a lot to learn in this life, especially relationship-wise for me. i think i hurt a lot of people in the past and i'm truly sorry.

i think it has something to do with always moving foward. exploring new places, always learning new things. so new people are the way to go. and i love meeting new people, but also reconnecting with old ones from time to time. i just get bored so easily, which has nothing to do with the person itself, more with the sheer nature of a relationship. whatever kind it may be. you know how they develope, what problems come up and that someone might get hurt. so i back out, a lot.
i'm horrible at saying goodbye. a quick hug or just a 'goodbye' is what covers my behavior most of the time. if you get more i'm really trying. i'm currently trying to find out why i act this way. first, i think i always assume that we're gonna see each other again and that acting/being really sad is a waste of time and energy. if there was a connection, it will always be there and we're gonna see each other again. and maybe i'll stay. it has nothing to do with how much i like someone. also, i hate hurting people. so i sometimes disappear from their life without saying a word, cause i think if i had told them i don't want to see them anymore, it would be worse. lately, i've come to realize that a rough cut would be better sometimes.

i don't know. relationship-wise my life is a mess. i left so many people in the states i really connected with. it does feel like home out there and i will keep on wondering what would have happened if i had stayed. i had the time of my life out there. words can not describe how awesome life was. but i know i gotta work on appreciating what and who i have in my life right now. great people can be found everywhere on this planet.

so i'm gonna move during the next few weeks. away from everything, again. i will say goodbye again. i'm gonna work on it, but if i fail, remember something: we're gonna see each other again and if you were part of my life i will always remember you.
we're all connected.

hell & back.

2011-07-12T11:58:00.000-04:00

i'm sitting at a starbucks in manhattan right now. it's about 33*C [= 91*F] outside, but it sure feels like at least a hundred. i just got a passion iced tea for free and i'm about to hang out at central park before heading back to germany. life is good at the moment. life has been more than amazing the past 2.5 weeks.
i was alive, like really living. you know, when you don't have any time to waste on facebook.

i partied in the hamptons. i surfed out in the hamptons. i had beachday after beachday. days of bright sunshine and hardly any rain. i met amazing people and swam in lake michigan. i had more dates that ever in germany. i had a guy [and a half, haha] proposing to me. i stayed at houses you can only dream of, played beach-volleyball, went jet skiing, out on a boat to watch fireworks and a good friend made an amazing dinner for me during a hot summer night in chicago. life was good. so good.

now my heart is breaking because i gotta go back. and everything people tell me is that it is the same everywhere and it's all about the way i see things. this makes me freakin' mad. because it is NOT the same everywhere. especially not in germany. read through the things above and tell which ones of those have happened to you during the past 2.5 weeks.
thank you. people are different, landscapes are different and there are different possibilities.

when do you get to drive in a convertible across the states listening to reggae? when do you try something new every day of your life?

and it is all connected to the place and the people. you start to worry less and have more fun. you become yourself. things fall into place even if you have nothing figured out. you just go with it.
and you can not do this everywhere. if you have traveled and stayed in a foreign country for a while you start to see the differences. people are not the same. they have different beliefs, different ways to see their life. some take it serious, others not so much. and it still works. some enjoy themselves more than others.

it's about choosing the right kind of livestyle for yourself. and yes, for me the american way of living life just suits me. and yes, i tried to live like that in germany. and no, it did not work out. no, people are not the same out there.

when was the last time that people you just met invited you to stay with them?
when was the last time someone offered you to stay with them for 3 months for free?
when was the last time you made more than 3 new friends within two weeks?

i choose to be happy almost all the time, but there are places where it works better than others. sometimes, when you welcome the world with open arms and a wide smile, you get nothing but bitchy comments.

and sometimes, that happy, loving girl finds her home.

the remedy.

2011-07-08T12:56:00.000-04:00

sometimes you're happy right where you are. sometimes it doesn't take much to put a smile on your face. you've never seen the world and that's perfectly fine. home is where you grew up, where you know everyone and where everyone knows you.
but then there are people who are having trouble with exactly those things.
i was born in the former german democratic republic, so my 'home' practically doesn't exist anymore. i never felt connected to germany. and i've been writing about this a thousand times. it just isn't home. nothing out there makes me go like 'awww, i can't wait to go back and live there'.

i'm back home right now. in the states. it really doesn't matter whether i'm in michigan, chicago or new york. life is easy. life is fun. but i gotta say chicago is probably my favorite place of all. i want to live there, at least for a summer.

life is all about going foward. moving on and fulfilling your dreams. we live only once. in the end it doesn't really matter what you did and how you lived your life. but i'd rather die happy, knowing that i made my dreams come true. this means the world to me.
life is meant to be lived. it's not about waiting for life to happen to you. it's about taking it in your own damn hands. only then you will feel truly happy. if you always depend on people and circumstances, it won't be YOUR life.

i know i've changed a lot. and that i hurt a bunch of people by that. i move on much faster. i don't hold on to things and people anymore. i do not try to please them by acting like someone i am not. because if you always do it, you will forget who you truly are. you give up yourself to be loved. but you should be loved for who you are already. if not it's time to keep the sweet memories in your heart and move on. it doesn't mean to live a completely selfish life, it means to be yourself and go from there. respect others, act without prejudices and love people for who they are. but don't give up yourself. and don't give up your dreams. hold on to them and do everything to make them come true. it's almost never easy. it won't just happen. it takes hard work and a lot of drawbacks. dreams require battles. with yourself and others.

so traveling was a dream [it still is]. i worked hard. people assume my parents paid for it. 'how did you make it all happen?' is a question i'm often asked. work. battles. going against other peoples' will. let me tell you it's worth it. it didn't only make me happy, it made others happy, too.
whatever your dreams is, when it makes you happy, you're a completely different person, you're at your best. and that affects everyone your with. who wants to deal with unhappy, grumpy people all the time? wouldn't you rather be surrounded by folks that put a smile on your face. when you're happy, you got so much more to give. but to get there, you need to go after your dreams.
make a wish. make it happen.

love. - or a random collection of thoughts about life.

2011-06-19T17:38:00.000-04:00

i remember being unhappy. what i don't remember is being unhappy for so long. and so much.

my whole life is messed up. happy thoughts or circumstances are rare. somehow every night i end up looking like a red-eyed zombie. and it doesn't really matter how the day went. just a word can make the difference.
i might sound like a spoiled brat from here on. i know i am lucky to be where i am right now, but that doesn't equal actually feeling lucky.
waiting tables twelve hours a day is a hard job. if you can avoid it, do so. otherwise you give up your social life. working every day, at night, on the weekends and holidays. dealing with a bunch of assholes. and then there are special events like this weekend. something like a downtown fest. i was lucky enough to be working with a great girl, lucky to have nice guests and hearing compliments. lucky to have a colleague bring me drugs for my feet [they're killing me] and roses. even more lucky to have a friend drive 150 miles just to see me [working] for an hour or so. so why do i end up broken every night?

it's the wrong people doing the right things. i love those people, i do. it's beyond amazing what they do for me. i am so, so grateful for that. but there are people i miss like hell and wish they would just show up out of the blue and it could be like back then. out here, thoughts of people, situations and places are my constant company. it's just the feeling that i wish the right people to do the right thing. the ones i completely fall for.
coming back to germany just hasn't been the same as for example returning to chicago and kzoo in february. i got back to long island telling them all about the people i met and the ones i didn't get to see because of a lack of time. i told everything about all the right people to the right ones. all my hostkid said after i was done [ironically] 'yeah, i bet it sucks being that loved'.

love. LOVE. L. O. V. E.

i don't feel anything out here. all there is is pain. and can't really name the reason for all of that. i should be lucky. there are great people out here. it's just that i miss the rest way too much.
i would love to come home to someone i love, giving me a kiss and telling me everything will be ok. which is weird, because i have been so happy for so long. of course, with ups and downs. but i was content. totally, completely content with who i am and being alone. out there in the world. alone, but not alone at all. if you know what i mean.
surrounded by people that catch you when you fall. who are there [literally] when you break down. who take you out and build you up.
the life was different in general. if you had a bad day, you called your friends and went out at night. most likely met some awesome new people and had a blast. if you're alone out here, you gotta be lucky to have your 'down-day' when it's the weekend [to go out] or have someone have a day off and be off work. otherwise you're lost. i am lost.

love is life. and if you miss LOVE, you miss LIFE.

LIFE. i'll see you next saturday.

mad world.

2011-06-05T16:45:00.000-04:00

i said from the very first day i placed my foot on german soil again that this country is gonna make me depressive. and here we go. i'm there.
there are no words to express how much i can't stand living here. every day i do the same things. waking up, eating a jogurt and having a cup of coffee with artificial sweetener, driving to my first job, working for up to 5 hours, snack, walking to the second one, getting home no earlier than 11.30pm, sleeping. every day, the same thing. if i'm lucky there's one day off a week. don't tell me to make the most out of it. just don't. if you're stuck in that routine, it drains you. there's no energy left. your feet hurt like crazy. you survive by taking pain killers. you spend your free time trying not to use your feet or make up, or your fake smile.

i'm freaking mad. i wake up angry and i go to bed worse. i'm not motivated to do or take care of anything. i'm living in a society that lives to work. but actually living? not happening.
my whole life has gone downhill. and with it my optimism and happiness and love for life.
yes, i will go back to the states in less than three weeks. but even that fact doesn't put a smile on my face anymore. i just don't care about anything. and i'm so freaking mad.

mad, to letting it come so far. mad, to having made the decision to return. mad, that no one understands. that there's no time to see the people who do understand. who are happy when i'm around.

my anger is not directed at anyone but me. i made the decision. i can not get myself to work out, take care of myself or lighten up. i can't get myself to care.
shit.

i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad

the dreams in which i’m dying are the best i’ve ever had.

home.

2011-05-14T19:36:00.000-04:00

you say that it's hard to commit to it
you say that it's hard standing still
don't you know that i spend all my nights
counting backwards the days 'til i'm home?

when life takes its own course
sometimes we just don't get to choose
i'd rather be there next to you
promise you'll wait for me, wait for me
wait 'til i'm home

all i have is this feeling inside of me
the only thing i've ever known

if only New York wasn't so far away

i promise the city won't get in our way
when you're scared and alone,
just know that i'm already home.

i miss you.

everybody's free.

2011-05-02T16:10:00.002-04:00

freedom. to be who you are. to do whatever you want.

i'm back in germany. everyone's telling me it's a great country, it's not as bad as i think it is, i'm gonna get used to it. my simple answer is NO. i'm sorry but that's not me. you might be able to go back and live a life you love. and i'm happy for you. but for me, germany is like a prison.
the past days, i often had panic attacks where reality set in and i got so mad to be here again and not being able to change anything about it. stuck in this little tiny village where i feel like an outcast. it's a world i don't fit in.
i need wide open spaces, open minded people, people who's home is the world, a world where it doesn't matter what you wear. the only thing that matters is who you are and where to go to next. which corner of the world to discover. to live in paradise or in slums. but to live. truly live.

i think you only truly live when every moment is truly special and you learn something new everywhere you look. where you are amazed by what's going on around you and you tell yourself it's not real. that's when you live. when you look back and wish to be back for just a second before you move on to a new adventure in a whole new world.

i don't expect anyone to understand it. and i'm not even sure you can explain it. it's a feeling of being restless, not being satisfied with a life where everything's planned out. your next day, your next year, your whole freakin' life. i don't want to know what happens tomorrow. i want the next day to take me in and not let me go. and by the end of that day i want to be able to say 'that was the best day of my life'. not just another mediocre experience that gets you nowhere.
days where you get up early in the morning because you don't want to miss anything and then get tired way too early because you have seen so much. days you dream of that night because it left an impression, it changed something in you.

i'm trying to describe a feeling with words. such an overwhelming feeling that makes me feel like i'm choking while being here and makes me want to sing and dance and hug the whole world while on the road.
i'm not who i truly am out here. i try to, don't tell me i'm not trying. but it just doesn't work, because the environment isn't made for it.

sometimes i'm told i need to know what to do with my life. which direction to go. i know where to go and what to do, it just might seem to you like i have no plan. i want to live. i'm not much about being secure and having a retirement plan. it's about the now. it's about living in the moment. being alive. being free.

'don't feel guilty if you don't know what you wanna do with your life.

the most interesting people i know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.

some of the most interesting 40-year olds i know still don't.'

empty hands.

2011-04-24T19:20:00.001-04:00

this is the end. the states are history. so many memories, places, people.
returning to europe means waking up. i am sure this whole trip will be nothing more than a beautiful dream. something that means the world to me, but there is no one to share it with. everyone is going to look at pictures and say something like 'that's beautiful', 'who's that?' or 'i'm so jealous'. they are gonna see, but they won't understand. and i won't blame them. how could they understand? they haven't been there, they haven't met those people or seen those places. those past 1.5 years have been a lonely road that was yet filled with beautiful people. people that mean the world to me. they are 'my' family. like the ones i want to return to after a long trip. the ones i'm saving up money for, just to hug them one more time. they have seen me 'grow up'. become the real me. or maybe they are the only ones who will have ever encountered the real me. maybe i won't be able who i am back in germany. it's just not the place.

576 days. 13824 hours. 829440 minutes or 49766400 seconds.

576 days that i am going to dream of.
13824 hours of sleeping, eating, laughing and crying.
829440 minutes i never want to forget.
49766400 seconds of learning.

i kissed some boys and i kissed some girls. i slept on couches, in beds and on the floor. swam in lakes and oceans. i learned to love. and i learned to lose. i learned to live.
and i learned that there are hundreds or thousands of people out there doing the same thing. that are restless. people that go from place to place without ever settling down. from a few of them i learned how to live that life in the future. beautiful souls.

it's not fear that wanted to keep me in the states. it's the beauty of freedom. to know it's easy to just go and live wherever you want to live. you don't need much money.

"if you really want to live the lifestyle i do,
all you have to do is do it.

no one is holding you back but yourself."

that's what i was told after i left hawaii. in the near future i will do things other people want me to do. it makes sense to me, so i agreed. this is about it.

i've been back in europe now for four days. and i believe in signs, so i can't help but seeing what rome taught me the first day and the following ones as one hell of a sign.
i got my wallet stolen. with everything but my passport in it. the first day back in europe.

"with empty hands i stand alone.

but i'm holding on. i am holding on.

i am holding on as my life it slips away."

all i wanted to do was get on the first plane back to new york. seriously. nothing like that ever happened over there. life was safe. and beautiful.
the next morning i woke up to a 10 euro bill right next to my pillow. the one giving it to me was a canadian. yes, canadians are incredibly nice, i can confirm that. the next one i met was an american. and yes, americans are also among the nicest people i've ever met. so the past days were just awesome. tonight, he left and the next one starting to talk to me was, guess! yeah, american. just like that we planned to have dinner tomorrow while watching gladiator in italian. crazy, but awesome.

i have not spoken more than 20 sentences in german since i've been back. the only people present in my life are americans. call that a sign.
now i feel like i return with nothing. and i literally do. you won't recognize me, because i am someone else now.
but note that i might have empty hands, but my heart is full of love.

life is far from perfect. that doesn't mean it is worthless. it is the most beautiful and precious thing we got.

you're the ocean.

2011-04-07T04:41:00.006-04:00

ever since i was a little kid, i was fascinated by the ocean. it's my favorite place to be.
when we visited san francisco and went to cafe gratitude with jon marro, the question of the day was 'when do you feel most at ease?' - and without even really thinking about it i could say that i feel most at ease when i sit at the beach listening to music and just watching the waves. watching the sun go down, listening to the sound of the waves coming in, my feet in the sand.

i feel at home when i'm near the ocean. that's why i am going to live there one day.
since i came here to the states, i realized two completely different things, yet connected. the first thing's that i might want to live in australia, study marine biology and work at the great barrier reef. just a thought though, and a dream of mine. i never went scuba-diving, but seeing hawai'i's underwater world fascinates me. see turtles, dolphins, colorful fish and whale sharks [well, i didn't actually see that one live yet]...

if it's not kids i want to work with, it's animals. and those are some of the most beautiful and fascinating ones i can imagine.

the states are one of the worst countries when it comes to saving the planet. april 22 is coming up. earth day. the day we put our planet first. try to decrease our impact on mother nature by choosing 'healthier' lifestyles, planting a tree or just being a little more aware of the impact humans have.
i like the idea of doing something to protect the environment, but only once a year?
at college, my final presentation was about the 3 r's - 'reducing, reusing and recycling', because i wanted to bring up that topic again. they recycle, at least my first american family did - a little. plastic marked with special numbers, cans and bottles and paper. but the rest of the plastic, food, tissues...everything goes together. and i think most of the americans don't give a damn. it's even hard for me to recycle when there are no seperate trash-bins.

but other than that, i too often find myself buying coffee or smoothies, which all come in plastic cups. and i'm not the only one. i don't know how many people do that every day but it feels like billions.

did you know that millions of tons of plastic end up in the ocean, especially the pacific one?

there is a large amount of plastic floating around, it's size varies from 'larger than the continental u.s.' to 'smaller than twice the size of texas'. which is still a lot. it even has its own name. the great pacific garbage patch.
you can't see it from space, because plastic crumbles down. after it enters the ocean it gets smaller and smaller until some birds or fish mistake it for food and eat it. and what if they eat it? don't we eventually consume the fish?

so what do they eat? and what's the big deal?
just a few days ago i went to a beautiful, kind of hidden beach on kaua'i. it's not far from poipu, where i stayed. i just wanted to check it out, but when i arrived i saw all that garbage and plastic lying around. unfortunately i didn't have any bag to collect it, so i promised to come back. packed with two [ironically] plastic bags i stopped. it kinda looks like that out there.

a long, beautiful, deep blue beach under bright blue skies. but if you look closer, this is everywhere.

literally, everywhere. you couldn't walk two meters before stepping on some plastic. and it all comes from the sea where the water sometimes holds six times more plastic than plankton. the major part comes from the shore and returns to it. partly. since it is breaking down out there, nearly everything is accumulating in the pacific gyre. no place can be found anymore without any pollution.

part of it reaches the beautiful hawaiian shores though. it makes the beaches sometimes more colorful. blue, green, orange. every color that is used to make plastic bottles, caps or nets, mats and tubes. i have no idea how it ends up out there. why in the world would you throw such things out into the ocean or leave them at the beach?
well, it makes sense if you read the numbers. only less than 5 percent of our plastic is recycled globally.

what happens out there is that the plastic photo-degrades. the sunlight breaks the plastic down into smaller pieces. they eventually become so small, that you can't even see them anymore. single molecules. and they then get eaten by so many animals that live out there and are not able to digest plastic. nobody is. so those animals die. or we end up eating them.

or at the northwestern hawaiian islands coral reef ecosystem reserve, those adorable mammals get entangled in debris like plastic nets lost or discarded by the fishing industry. hawaiian monk seals.

they are one of the most endangered mammal species in the world and can be found resting at almost every beach in hawaii. people are not allowed to get close to them, because of the danger for the people themselves but far more important to the seals. if they're forced to get back into the water they do not get enough rest.

seeing all this precious life out here makes me more than sad, even mad, how we treat our planet. there is hardly any respect for mother nature and only a few people seem to care.
after like an hour of cleaning up, this bag was filled up, ripping because of the weight. it doesn't look like much and it sure didn't feel like anything at all having the vast pollution in mind.

but if everyone would just do a little. recycle. always take ALL your trash wish you and recycle. pick up something someone else has left behind instead of pretending to not care. try to replace plastic by other materials. like reusable bottles instead of plastic. recycled paper-bags instead of plastic.

if you think it doesn't matter anyway, it does. you matter. your actions matter.
help to make this planet a better world. for everyone.
mahalo.

far away.

2011-04-03T05:07:00.000-04:00

i thought coming to hawai'i is going to help me find answers. finding out who i am, what this life is all about. brings me back to being centered.
well, once you're here you don't magically change into someone completely new. but you evolve. you find out a little bit more each day. learn.
this trip so far has been a lot of 'firsts' for me. i am a beginner at pretty much everything i do over here. never before have i ridden a scooter. never before did i go snorkeling. never before did i ride a wave standing. even traveling on my own for 5 weeks straight is a first. changing places every week.

after o'ahu and staying in a hostel that's pretty much all about partying i was glad to get out. i met great people, ironically most of them less than 24 hours before i left. this seems like a pattern and it's starting to annoy me. i'd like to have those amazing people i meet in my life, close. not on the other side of the world. well, anyway i was still excited about coming to kaua'i. quiet. peace. no one you have to talk to. all by yourself and time to think.
so here i am.

the more time passes, the more i think about being back in germany. living a normal life. living in reality. this whole trip will seem like a dream. it already does, except for the sunburns and cuts from the reefs. i try to live every moment to the fullest and then this thought pops up. it just does, the whole time. 'once you're back, it's all going to change. you're gonna be unhappy and wishing to be back'.
i'm pretty sure that's what's gonna happen, but isn't thinking that way turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy?
of course i won't meet any surfers from california anymore, no abercrombie&fitch models or fun people from all over the world. no random guy is gonna cook for me and talk about traveling and it's meaning. there won't be any days where the biggest problem i have is which beach i want to see next. where the only thing discussed on the local weather news is the surf and the winds. this is not real.
but it so is. right now. it's what makes you want to stay forever. find a job on an island like kaua'i where the 'real' world is far, far away.

can you just run away from it all? there are quite a few people that only booked a one-way ticket to hawai'i. if you've been here, you know why. it is paradise.
the ocean. every possible kind of blue. dolphins, whales, sea turtles and monk seals. fish that you won't find anywhere else in the world.
the mountains. they might be green, red or even snow covered. you even have a canyon here.
the rainforest. flowers and trees that still amaze me every day. and it's green, green, green.
the weather. whether you like rain or sunshine, you get it all. and it's warm all year long which makes choosing clothes that much easier [and fun].
the people. not only do you meet tourists from all over the world, the natives are just as nice. and sooo laid-back.
a recent survey showed that the happiest people in the US live in hawai'i. this is self-explanatory.

i haven't found a lot of answers yet. i am too busy living. living the dream.

far away, far away, i want to go far away.

to a new life on a new shoreline.

where the water is blue and the people are new.

to another island, in another life.

- i made it there. now i want to stay forever.

pacific sun.

2011-03-24T00:27:00.000-04:00

my itineraries are usually packed with things i want to do, places i want to see. planning for my trip hawaii took me half a year, but only during the past few days i really got into it. but still i didn't realize that the one dream i had for so long was about to come true.

now i am here. roughly 24 hours, but needless to say that jet lag is not a word i know right now, i am far too excited to have landed in paradise yesterday. as soon as i was able to spot the first corners of hawaii i started to cry. this was the moment it became real. the whole way i thought something might go wrong, a delayed plane, extreme weather conditions or the hell knows what. but then and there i knew it. i made it.

sitting here in waikiki now, just shorts and a t-shirt, is awesome. after a day filled with bringing that itinerary to life. i planned it all out. which bus to take, how much time to spend at a certain place. but still lose enough to improvise. especially from tomorrow on, i'll be more independent cruising around with a scooter. it'll give me the freedom to stop wherever i want.

freedom, that's what this whole trip is about. being all alone where nobody knows your name. i don't have to be anywhere unless i tell myself to. no work. nothing. there's just beach, sun and rainforests.

living the dream. i'll keep you updated.

pacific sun
you changed the color of my skin
from up above
lift up my heart and let me in

i was lost without you

i'm yours.

2011-03-05T22:03:00.000-05:00

some days in life are just magical. everything goes right and life feels like it should every day.
it starts with sleeping in at your best friends' place. it continues with meeting your other best friend for lunch at the place you love most. in perfect company. perfect. before you leave there's that neverending hug and gratitude. this is followed by cuddling for two hours with the kids you've come to love so much before someone takes care of you by coloring your hair, for free. the whole day is slowly ending by going out and celebrating. love and life. and it ends with a kiss.

but when you wake up again the next day and it's all gone, you could be sad that it's all over, that the perfect day has come to an end. or you can be grateful it happened. that you were lucky enough to feel so good for 24 hours. that the people you love so much showed you that you are loved, too.
let's choose gratitude. be thankful for everything.

goodbye chicago. goodbye michigan. goodbye kalamazoo. i'm yours.

following footsteps.

2011-03-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

it's happening. less than three weeks and i'll be done with this job. my toes will touch the sand in waikiki, rays of sunshine will dance on my skin.
yet, i am still around. on vacation though. on the road from chicago back to kalamazoo. with my family i haven't seen in almost 1.5 years.

everytime someone visited me here, i learned something about myself and about our relationship. this time is no exception. and it has never been pretty. i can't connect with my 'old' world anymore. i think the reason why i left is still there and it's not gonna change. i think i have found what i was looking for and this is going to make life back in germany so hard.

independence.

i am me. not my parents. not my country. not my friends. not my job. i am unique. and i am different. so different, that people from back 'home' don't know me anymore and don't know how to reach me. the world we created overseas is ours. i love this world. i love the people i come to know, the places i come to visit. even though americans are not my favorite people in the world, i still think i belong here more than i belong to germany. ordering a coffee in english, chatting about where they come from and where they're going is so much more fun in english. i seriously can't stand german.
yet again. being faced with the weeks i have left living in freedom makes me want to run from it all. there is literally no excitment to come back. as hard as it sounds. i don't want to go back. to go back to that life where everybody knows you. where everyone knows what's best for you and what you should do next. where whatever you do is the talk of the town next day. where it all matters somehow. to everyone but yourself.

if there's one lesson you learn overseas, it's that it all doesn't matter. and that it all does matter.
whatever you do far away from home where no one knows you will remain hidden as long as you don't tell. the people you meet don't know anyone from your past. and because of that you grow. you learn how to live with less fear of the consequences. you get wasted, do stupid things, become a drama queen and move the fuck on. you don't let it destract the new day. it is not part of it anymore. you learn that yesterday is today and tomorrow will be brand new. it will be whatever you create.

and on the other hand you learn that it all matters. to yourself. because you build a new life. a new identity. you become whoever you always wanted to be. every mistake you make brings you closer to that person. and the friends you make are the stars of your own new world. you come to love them and you're gonna miss them when you're gone. even more than the ones you left in the first place because now you are the person you always wanted to be and they love you for that. they never knew the old person. they matter. and maybe you matter to them.

what i am trying to say is that, if friends and family come to that new world they don't fit in anymore. at least in my world. i moved on. and i don't have time to go back to the person i was and i don't want to go back to that point in time where we left off. i am happy here. i love following my own dreams. i can't have someone holding me back. and this doesn't mean i don't love you. i do. but i am very independent, too.

writing this down sounds horrible. and then again i think 'either you still like me or you move on'. for the first time in my life i realize that i am content. this is me, the way that i want myself to be.
love me or leave me.

following steps like water in lines

i can walk through the streets but i can’t turn back time

i have traveled so far from my great british home
i'm here by myself but I don’t feel alone

which way should i turn?
wanna see, wanna feel, wanna learn
the mystery blows, it’s hard and it’s cold but it works

i am never to know what history hides
i can cut through the stone but i won’t see inside
the evidence fades but the legend lives on

what came from the heart can never be wrong

afterglow.

2011-02-17T22:20:00.001-05:00

every now and then you experience a moment that outshines everything you've seen so far. or at least it is way up there with all the other incredible things that you have come to experience. it's one of those moments that remind you why being alive and living the life you choose is so damn amazing.

most of my happiest moments are related to music in whatever way. it might have been a simple moment walking down the beach, watching the waves crushing into the bay, listening to 'details in the fabric', standing on picadilly circus after two crazy days in brighton and london listening to 'what a day', enjoying a concert where both, the artist and audience, are in the right place at the right time or meeting someone special that is related to your favorite music somehow. and by that i don't only mean meeting someone who is involved in your favorite band, but also a simple car ride where a guy you like suddenly recognizes one of your commonly unkown artist that is singing on your homemade cd. those moments will be stuck in your head forever.
and sometimes, just sometimes, all of those things happen in one day and in the end, there is nothing but gratitude left for that amazing life you're living.

one of those days. like mine yesterday.

i was heading into new york city to see my [probably] last concert before i go back to germany. it was for ian axel's [digital] album release show at the studio in east village. since i took the subway into union square i figured why not get some pre-show sushi at whole foods to have at least a little food in my belly. and just then, one of those moments. you walk in the door, head towards the fresh food section and see him waiting in line. ian that is.

i always think that people might figure i'm crazy for getting so excited about such small things. hardly anyone knows him, he's not famous [yet!] or anything. no one else seemed to pay attention. but to me, it's just like meeting some superstar like madonna or taylor swift.

and then i am still amazed that they remember me. remember my name, where i am from and when we met the last time. running into ian, chad vaccarino, chad's dad and dan romer at whole foods in new york doesn't happen to everyone. it makes me feel so damn lucky.
well, anyhow, after a hug and quick chat i got my food and went outside to sit on the stairs while enjoying my food. since i can't live without music, my ipod is always in grabbing distance. just then, it decided to play 'we are' by ian axel.

"we are the lucky ones."

of course the concert went great after that. greg holden was on first. when being asked for my favorite singer, he is definitly part of my top three. [ian gets another part of it]
he performed a bunch of new songs from his upcoming album 'i don't believe you' that he was able to record last fall because of another 358 amazing people who believe in him and pledged to help him make a record.

he was great. during his first song the guitar amplifier decided to stop working, so he sang the rest of the song without it. that's when you really realize that someone can sing, if someone is good or not. he rocked it. chills! i wish he would have played much longer than he did end up performing, but his last number and probably best known one: 'bar on a' left me with a heart full of joy. here is why.

everyone joined him. it's one big family.
after that, julia nunes took the stage. since i am not too familiar with her songs and what she's done so far, i just enjoyed her fresh, beatboxing style that leaves you with a smile.

ian was amazing. i truly believe he is one of the greastest talents of my generation. i've never seen anyone being so passionate about what they're doing. i love to see him playing the piano, i love to see him going through moments of joy and sadness during his songs, i love to see that he's just like everyone else with all his emotions and insecurities, but blessed with a hell of a talent. actually, a bunch of talents like playing the piano, singing, songwriting and being one of the nicest people on earth. when he's playing, i want to dance with him, cry with him, just give him a biiiig hug and thank him for being so wonderful. people like him, concerts like that make life worth living.

he is gonna make it. a couple of songs were already featured on mtv shows, people finally start to notice his music, his talent. i always say that i'm sure he's gonna be big someday. the world just has to stop listening to crap [how boring were the grammy's? like, seriously.] and start worshiping real music, written and performed by real people.

those moments leave me amazed and in total aw. this is what i am living for.
on a nother note, i realize that everything comes in full circle. i am leaving and one of the first concerts i remember seeing in the city was ian and greg playing at rockwood. back then, the 4 of us came together for the first time.

crazy how things go. 1.5 years later it is time to say goodbye. to the states, to the boys. and we all come together again. different places, different looks, but still us.

we all grow. we all change. but the things that will remain are friendship and the love of music.
i am grateful for knowing such beautiful, talented, people. real people.

"annie dreams of others when she's wide awake
wishin' on the beauty that they hide away
and if someday you slip away from all the souls that you've saved,
i promise I'll find you in the afterglow."

locked up.

2011-01-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

“i try to talk to you, but i don't know what to say. i am afraid you don't want me to say anything. so i don't. but inside of me there are words waiting to come out. and tell you how i feel - like how i miss you. and how i love you despite my broken heart. and how i need you in my life. but those words may forever stay in my heart - locked inside. sometimes i wonder if there are words locked inside you too. but i'll never know.”

human.

2011-01-22T22:04:00.005-05:00

why ain't life easy in winter? somehow i feel that everyone surrounding me, including myself, doesn't have the best time right now. do you know that, when all those thoughts keep you from sleeping? you miss someone and there's no chance you will ever see them again? you wait for life to happen?
i feel it all right now. exhausted waiting for the next 5 weeks to go by quickly. i feel like i'm done with being an aupair. it's been a long time coming and i am ready to move on. it's got nothing to do with the families, just standing on my own feet, being independent. if there wouldn't be those dreams coming true ahead, i would probably leave. quit. give up.

maybe it's just winter. this dark, cold time where everything gets icy and you're waiting for summer to come, for everything to come alive again.

a friend of mine and me went to miami last weekend. there it was: the sun, the ocean, the beach, the short and t-shirts. and just like switching the light on, i came alive again. enjoying every second. walking barefoot, admiring the beautiful fish in the deep blue ocean and watching the sun rise all cuddled up in a big sweater.

sleep was unimportant, all that mattered was being myself again.
but then again, this escape only lasted 2 days and 3 nights. as soon as you leave the plane, reality kicks in and it's back to your day-to-day life. the memories still in your head you try to move on.
that's the biggest issue i think. moving on when your only wish is to go back. for me it's chicago and michigan i can't wait to return to. just because the people over there made my life whereas long island is pretty much dead. living in a collegetown certainly has advantages.

i feel like a loser

i feel like i've lost

i feel like i'm not sure if i feel anything at all

but believe me, i'm not helpless

i just need someone to love.

so my situation's rough

but that just makes me a dumb human

like you.

i feel during those moments where we, for whatever reason, are not as happy as usual we like to blame something. i blame winter. it's pretty easy, cause it won't hurt him. then again i think it's because i'm not with the people i love. if i could just put them all in a suitcase and take them somewhere warm, it all would be fine. life would be good.

why do i have this incredible need to stand up

and say 'please pay attention'?

yes, thank you. i know. just because it's warm and you have all your loved ones around doesn't mean it's sunshine all the way. all i have to remember is last summer.
we tend to idealize times when they're over. looking back it all seemed like that perfect life everyone wishes for. whether it's a relationship or a summer. we want it back or we wonder 'what if i had stayed?'. this is something that's totally natural i think. the most important thing though is that we don't let those thoughts affect our happiness. that's not always easy. to me right now, it seems incredibly hard.

i feel like an artist

who's lost his touch

he likes himself in his art, but not his art too much

but believe me, i've got something

i just don't know how to say

that i'm just fine with the way

with the way that i'm moving

but that just makes me a dumb human

like you.

darren criss - human.

anyway, complaining won't help. sometimes we have to push through those hard[er] times to achieve something greater. we will be happier than ever before. the best is yet to come.

for me,
it's 5 more weeks until summer.
i can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

[for anyone who wants to know what the plan is: feb 26 - march 6 chicago//michigan; march 22 - april 14 hawaii; april 14 - 20 nyc, april 21 - 27 rome; april 27, 4.40pm frankfurt (germany)]

up!

2011-01-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

happy new year!
2010 was mostly about learning. learning to love, learning how to deal with a broken heart, learning how to deal with change in so many ways. you've all read about it. it wasn't my favorite year, but the positive thing about it is that it can only get better. since i was learning so much, this year, decision will be made based on those experiences. whether that's good or bad, time will tell.
so far, nothing bad has happened which is already positive. last year the same time i already had to deal with a car accident. oh, and the new year started with a kiss!

each year, we make new year's resolutions, something that has to change on january 1st. losing weight, saving money, more travelling. anything you can think of. but why do we need that certain day to change our life? you can change your life every single day, hour, even minute.
for myself, i don't even know which direction i want to go in. i know i want to get more connected. answering more quickly, being more concerned about what's going on with everyone. but that's about it. the year is pretty much all set. working until march, going to chicago and michigan, reconnecting, going to hawai'i alone, then to another country and back to germany. then starting the stressful, but boring life. it's done. partly exciting, partly not. it's gonna be a good year though.

cause i know, you know,

because once you know, you'll always know
it's your own, your own, your own love

that gets you where you wanna go.

between the year's, my dear friend elli from michigan/germany chose to spend time with me and celebrate the new year together. as always, we talked about guys and relationships, the ones that are over and the guys we still think about, problems and thoughts. it seems like relationships are the ones that rule our world. love is constantly on our mind. did you do the right thing? should you have called or was it alright to play hard-to-get? why does it have to be so complicated?

we ended up calling and writing a bunch of people that new year's night, but only getting a few replies. it reminded me of my christmas cards. a lot of people got one, but only one person wrote one back. i think everyone was happy though they got one. and that's what it is all about. i tried to explain that to my friend, that it's not about whether you did the right or wrong thing, that you shouldn't overthink it and the peoples' reaction. it doesn't matter. it is not about that. it is about the thought. telling the other person you care. you were thinking about them. even if it was only a split second.
you could get all upset and wonder why your favorite guy didn't write back. even a 'happy new year' would have done it. get over it. there will come a time where others surprise you.

her visit also made me think about relationships in general and if i want to have one. i'm pretty sure i don't. every time i see a report about it or have friends visit me, i think of myself as being unable to live with another person. i am really happy the way it is. all i've seen so far makes it hard to trust someone [guys] anyway. often, people tell me i might miss out on someone because of my defensive behavior. i totally agree.
then, today, i found this.

i might be building walls because of what has happened in the past. right now, i am fine with it. being alone doesn't mean being alone. sometimes you have to meet yourself without anyone around to find out who you are. hawai'i is gonna be my therapy. everyone always asks: 'who are you going with?' happily answering 'only myself' is not the kind of answer most people expect. but for me, i couldn't think of any better person to spend that time with.

and then again, i sometimes think someone should surprise me.

all you need is love

love is all you need.

song to thank the stars.

2010-12-20T00:44:00.002-05:00

it all works out. be patient and let time tell. all you have to do is to trust the universe.
i wrote about that last week and also, that i missed ian by like 2 seconds. but he told me we'll see each other soon. well, it came sooner than i had expected.

last week was as hard as i had expected, workwise. plus the depressing, cold winter.
all i needed for the weekend was to get away. we were planning on going out in the city saturday night, but plans changed. it happened to be friday. that brought up the idea of checking out who's playing saturday night at rockwood, probably my favorite venue of all times. free concerts, great [!] audience and getting to know the artists.
i was lucky. i totally forgot that amber rubarth was going to perform that saturday night - with special guests!

amber rubarth is one of those beautiful singer-songwriters i got to meet through adam. i saw her last year in october for the first time and she is just lovely. crystal-clear voice, awesome personality. she is also involved in a project called 'the paper raincoat'. that's her and alex wong, on tour mostly joined by adam [christgau]. her and their songs are catchy and beautiful.

first, she was joined by ed romanoff, but i was curious to find out who the other artists were. in turned out to be the very talented alex berger from the uk. he was here for only a week or so, so at that point i already considered myself VERY lucky. together, they performed his beautiful song 'love'. every musician who joined amber got to sing at least one song of their own, too which made it more of a super-concert of a lot of artists then just being about her. next on stage was ian axel. ian! i can't say enough how much i love him and his music. i think he's one of the most talented musicians of my generation. he played 'say something' on the grand piano. so far i've only heard it on the ukulele, so that was a real treat. to make it even better he was joined by his best friend chad vaccarino to perform 'you'll be ok'. here are both songs that made my night.

furthermore i got to see ari hest and alex wong on stage that night. that makes like 6 of my favorite people on stage in one night, for free. musical heaven. i can't say it enough, but if you ever get the chance to see just one of them, don't miss out on it.

this time i didn't want to waste my chance to say hi to ian though. so i patiently waited and let him talk to other people. when he was finally coming out of the backstage area with his cute hat [it had ears and i want one ;)] it was all hugs and smiles. i think he was truly surprised to see me there. all i can say that he is such a nice guy. we talked about hamburg, he introduced me to chad, we chatted about life and greg holden who might be going on tour in europe next summer. i will not miss this. and you shouldn't either.

i left the rockwood filled with a heart of joy. it was him and greg who made me realize what real musicians are. it's not the superstar out on the huge stage with an even bigger show around them. through them i fell in love with people that are passionate about what they're doing. it is all about the music. i feel so blessed to know a few of them and to know that they are truly nice human beings. they are part of the group i want to thank. you made my life this year. everyone who wrote me, everyone who read this, everyone i met. those people who made me smile. the people i had the pleasure to spend time with. you are the stars of my life.

once was love.

2010-12-17T00:22:00.000-05:00

i so have a pattern when it comes to guys i fall for, it's scary. i always suspected i have one, but it took me until today to realize it is the truth.

let me tell you a little story...
during 2007 i worked a while as a tutor for an amazing family. super nice people. i had just broken up with my first long-term boyfriend and had no idea who i was or where i was heading. so the dad whos kid i was helping kinda took me by the hand and told me i should do something called "enternainment" on the spanish island fuerteventura. he knew the hotel manager and wanted to get me in. my first reaction was "i can not do that". i was way too shy and quiet. how the hell would i ever be able to dance and talk on a stage every night, entertain guest and kids? there was no way. but i gave it a try. probably the best decision in my life. within the process i had to apply and go to a casting. a freaking casting! i had never even gone to a job interview and my view of a casting was the 'american idol' kind where you have to sing and dance. it turned out to be half as bad and i got the job. i couldn't believe it. but i didn't end up going to spain, it was bulgaria i was meant to go to.
i went and i did it and i grew. it changed me forever. but just like on every trip, i met a guy. he was cute and flirty. we got along so well. he was smart and funny. and knew how to make a good conversation. brown hair, interested in history. ambitious. smoking.
he also had a girlfriend - working in the same hotel. so nothing ever happened.
but even after the season was almost over and he wasn't working there anymore, we talked via skype. he sent me adorable pictures and video-skyped with me just so he can see me smile.
afer i left, it was all over. no more talking. gone and forgotten.

it was by coincidence that i found him two years later. syncing my adress book with facebook.
and today he accepted my friend request. out of interest i went to see his pictures and then there it was. i completely realized my pattern. he is tom. he is my ex-boyfriend. he was and still is. i fell for the same guy over and over again, just in a different country. they look alike, they act alike. and it was never good for me.
dealing with my tom-tragedy finally helped me ending this pattern. at least that's what i hope for. it ended last summer. when i meet guys like those now, i don't fall for the pretty smile anymore. it takes much more to impress me. character is what it is. that's what counts. and that the other person treats you and everyone else with respect.

i am thankful for this day, because i learned so much. i finally fully understood.
sometimes all it takes is one click.

happy endings.

2010-12-13T00:03:00.005-05:00

i believe everything happens for a reason. it's like reading the harry potter series where everything makes sense in the end. everyone has it's role and it is important, even if it doesn't seem to be that way in one book. you gotta turn the pages and move on to the next book find out what role that is. you can not just assume that even a little rat is meaningless.

and i truly believe that's not just the case in well thought-out books. it happens every day. you sometimes might think that your life repeats itself. you date someone for some time and break up sometime during the year. the next year you break up with someone new the exact same time. or you travel somewhere warm during the exact same month every year without planning or even realizing it. meaning not planning it around holidays. or you make the same mistake over and over again. but eventually you learn from it. there comes a day where you wake up and realize you can not keep on doing whatever it is the same way as before. some need one lesson to learn from it, others one hundred. but the effect is that you grow and that makes the whole mistake meaningful and less of a wrong.

i don't like labeling lessons as 'mistakes'. that you dated the wrong guy doesn't mean it was meaningless or your fault. it happens all the time. you want something very, very much, you get totally excited about it and have high expectations. when you finally get what you want you might end up thinking 'what the fuck was i thinking?'. so it didn't turn out to be what you thought it was.

to me, that happens a lot. getting excited about a vacation for example. and when you finally get there, the people you are with annoy you, the sun is not shining or you get sick. for me, travelling with a big group of people doesn't work out. i tried it over and over again. i made the 'mistake' a lot of times to finally realize, the better way for me is to travel alone.
also, i am lactose intolerant. stupid as i am, i try to drink a large latte macchiatto or hot chocolate with whipped cream over and over again, just to learn that i am really lactose intolerant. and stubborn to face the truth. this is a thing i will probably keep on doing until there will be a day to accept the fact.

so everything comes around. but also, you might miss a train or you won't make it to an appointment. or you miss out on someone or something. there is a reason for that. there is a reason that you don't always get what you want. with time, you will see. you don't end up with the 'super-hot' guy, because he would have cheated on you anyway and you deserve better than that. you didn't make the train, because you were supposed to be on another one.
i missed my first flight and vacation in greece because if i had gone, i had probably died of sore sialoliths in my thyroid. i was 12 or something at that point and didn't understand. it took forever for the doctors to find out.
i didn't get to chat with ian axel last friday, because if i had, i would have probably been happier, but missed the last train home. it would have been 6 interesting and cold hours alone in new york city where everything can happen. i wrote him later and his reaction was "i'll see you soon i'm sure". exactly, there is something bigger ahead. nothing is lost, because we didn't meet that one time.

sometimes we do not understand right away why something doesn't work out. it leaves us disappointed and discouraged. but let me tell you that everything will fall into place, everything will make sense in the end.
i personally get upset the most with relationships [obviously]. i often just don't understand and so i try to keep things alive that are not meant for me. i hold on and overlook or downplay me being hurt. i think a lot of people hold on to relationships thinking it will get better. that the other one will change. that deep inside he loves me and just doesn't know yet. but why should you waste your time and energy holding on to that? if the other one doesn't see you as who you are, loves you the way you are right now, then there is no point holding on. i believe there is someone out there who will love you from the start, for who you are. i learned this lesson the hard way with plenty of tears and breakdowns. nothing made sense until i met someone else who showed me that i was wrong. there are people out there treating you the right way. there are!
so after meating the wrong person i met the right one for a split second of my life. and suddenly it all made sense.

people you miss out on, you didn't meet. people you did meet. places you saw. i believe everything you do and everything that happens to you is meant to be. one day, you will know why it all came the way it did. live and let it go, try not to interprete everything that is happening. let time tell.

“heroes know that things must happen

when it is time for them to happen.

a quest may not simply be abandoned;

unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever;

a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.”

mele kalikimaka.

2010-12-11T23:03:00.006-05:00

long time, no concert. the last ones i've seen and didn't really consider writing about were todd carey and jason mraz' in ann arbor, michigan. i wasn't really impressed with the way he performed, the new band and the overall experience [jm]. since then, there were a lot of concerts in the city i would have loved to see. greg laswell, joshua radin, ian axel, greg holden [who's back in the city after recording his album in los angeles, yeah] and atomic tom. most of them going on during the past week.
i live close to nyc, but just not close enough to hop on a train after work and be back on time. also, making 4 round-trips a week would cost me a fortune. so the only one i could make it to was ingrid michaelson's 4th annual holiday hop. the tickets sold out over a month ago, for a reason. i've been trying to see her sincei came here. only last night it dawned on me that it was already the 5th time i saw her performing. two of those were in the states as well, but never a full solo show.

all psyched, i missed the train i wanted to take. of course. still made it in time just to almost fall down the stairs inside highline ballroom - the legendary place where jason mraz once performed. but that's me. that's life.
i had no idea who was opening that night, but i had a few wishes. and it's christmas, right? so wishes might come true.

first to hit the stage, was a lovely trio of grey haired older ladies from staten island joined by an amazing, well suited pianist. the woman with the green glasses was ingrid michaelson's aunt and introduced her and the rest of the trio as edith, ethel and edna, and their very talented pianist chaz montgomery jr. they play a free show every wednesday in a nursing home on staten island. since it's free, i'd consider seeing it once.

those ladies were later on joined by their spouses, three not-so-young-and-fit-anymore men: salvatore, morty and harold. together, they performed a selection of this years' popular songs with a little change of words. everything had to fit the theme of christmas.

some people might recognize the faces. all i can say is that one of my wishes came true right there and then. [hint: it's the guy with the bow-tie]

this band, who substituded for another opener "who got sick. some kind of stomach flu." was followed by greg laswell.

wish number two. i could not have been happier at that time. since i missed his concert due to disney, it was pure joy to finally see him perform in new york city.
he was lovely and amazing as ever starting his set with 'what a day', a song that once brought me to tears at picadilly circus in london after two amazing days in the uk. it's surely one of my all time favorites. greg wasn't performing alone whough, harper blynn aka pete & j accompanied him on the bass and guitar/piano. happiness overflow. if you know new york's musicians, this feels like a big homecoming.

then, everyone was ready for the 'main' show. all dressed up in black, red and green, ingrid and band made this night even more beautiful. within a beautiful setting of christmas lights, the audience got to see a perfect show of high-class musicians. ingrid, who's 'lady gagas' [shoes] i absolutely adored, is really growing up. her voice is fabolous, her new songs tend to rock a little more [literally], but she's still the funny, lovely girl she was when i first saw her perform with jason mraz. during the show she told us about her last week saying "tuesday, i got my big toenail removed. wednesday, i celebrated my 31st birthday [can you believe she's already 31?!]. thursday, i got to perform for and hug the president of the united states, and his wife. and today, i am here in new york, celebrating the 4th annual holiday hop...tell me, if that's the life of a normal person?"
even though she joked about being better than all of us, she seems to stay grounded and humble. i simply adore her.

the greatest thing for me, besides the very, very talented pianist in the beginning, was seeing this performance live, finally.

i want to be in love as they seem to be, one day. they just belong together.

i wasn't really in a christmas mood before and still, everything seems to be too hectic. i miss real traditions like an advent wreath or baking christmas cookies. instead i am surrounded by the all american holiday craziness. the lights are beautiful, but everything seems to be so forced and artificial. it's hard to describe it. last night was magical though. lots of classic christmas songs and love all around. the only thing missing is snow. i shouldn't say that too loud, knowing what's going on in europe right now and what happened last year. still, a few flakes for a night or two would be a dream come true.

the only thing i am wishing for this year is that this dream is coming true. this hawaiian one that is.

mele kalikimaka is hawaii's way

to say 'merry, merry christmas' to YOU.

thank you.

2010-11-25T21:08:00.001-05:00

to the honest.
to the one who writes.
to the one smiling back.
to the one who loves me.
to the one who remembers.
to the one who makes music.
to the one who loves without holding back.
to the one who wants to make the world a better place.

to the person who reads this.

i want to thank you.

dreams.

2010-11-24T23:50:00.000-05:00

i am inspired. disney's magic has worked.

i did not expect anything when we left for florida but sunshine and running around in shorts and a t-shirt. a lot of work and no down time. and honestly, i had no idea what i was up to discover, because i have never seen any disneypark, nor am i the biggest disney movie fan.

so i got on this plane without the usual excitement that hits me when i leave to discover a new place.

as soon as i saw the castle it changed.

disneyworld's slogan is "where dreams come true". i didn't even know i had the dream to see disneyworld once in my life. i had no idea how big it actually is, what you get to see and experience. i was overwhelmed by the perfection of the parks. animal kingdom, hollywood, epcot and magic kingdom. all of them have something special. everywhere you get to meet the characters from your favorite movies, you get to learn and you can enjoy fun rides and shows. i think my favorite part was hugging the various characters. or getting kissed by them.

i must say eeyore and tigger were by far my favorites. there's just something about winnie the pooh and the other characters that i absolutely adore.

"some people care too much. i think it's called love."

but what impressed me the most is the perfection. every single detail is perfect. everything is designed to fit the theme of the park or area. some shows don't have to fear being compared to their broadway counterpart. the lion king that is especially. it actually made me cry the second i heard the first note. there's just something about it.

you won't find any garbage on the floor. everything is clean, beautiful and save. but most importantly, everywhere you go, you are greeted by smiling faces. everyone wants you to have the best stay ever. make you feel like a princess.

i know that business. i worked in it before. i know it's not easy being happy every day, greet everyone with a huge smile and staying polite when the guest are just grumpy. but the second i saw the perfection i wanted to work for disney. i kept on talking about it without being really serious. "yeah sure, i'm gonna work for disney..."

until i met this girl from italy. the last night we spent in orlando. she told me how to get a job there. she gave me that final push to actually go for it. i know now how to apply, so i will. and i am sure i am gonna get the job. staying in orlando for a year, working for disney [who got voted one of the best places to work at] and living together with people from all over the world that share the same positivity. people who are young and passionate about something. brave enough to go overseas for a whole year. it means sharing a room, having a pool and summer all year long as well as a different party every night. sounds like a dream job to me.

i am not ready to grow up - yet. if i have a dream i go for it. it is gonna happen. that's what was missing. a new big dream i will work for. i know hawai'i is going to happen, i know australia is going to happen, too. something new had to show up that lets me dream again.

next year, i am forced to do something i don't really want to. i know i have to. 18 months of living hell. so you need something to hold on to. something that will cary you through. and also something you can do if you fail during those 1.5 years. the whole teacher thing is nothing more than a back-up for me. in case my life is not going to be what i dream of. in case i am not going to become this writing, travelling, photographing marine biologist who works within the music business and has her home base close to the ocean in australia or hawai'i. i case i am not gonna end up surfing, eating only organic unprocessed food and doing yoga every day. being a teacher is the back-up plan. in case i need to start living a conservative, not very exciting life. in case i have to grow up.

but until then i dream big. because disney has taught me:

"if you can dream it, you can do it."

and

"all our dreams can come true,

if we have the courage to pursue them."

-walt disney.

the weight.

2010-11-18T22:24:00.001-05:00

i basically have nothing to write about right now. there is nothing going on but work, work-out and sleep. that's it. no going out, no fun friends like in michigan. a lot less drama as well. i really don't know what's better, because now, i am pretty bored. i have to deal with myself a lot more and figure out my stuff alone. it's like i am waiting for life to happen. and somehow i limit myself. i can't spend too much money, because i want to live big in hawai'i. it's basically what i am working for. and not just the aupair job, also the working out part. i spend at least one and a half hours at the gym every day. if i would get the eating part right, the fitness i want to achieve would be pretty close. that's the most exciting part of my day.
other than that, i hardly find time to connect to people. here and everywhere. this job is not the best job in the world. it's not the worst either, nor is the family i am living with. they are awesome. i am still living in new york and tomorrow, i'll be flying to orlando. and then this and then that. but what's missing are friends i love. friends you get drunk with, that don't judge you and your actions. friends you sleep in a bed with and can talk to about anything. friends, that color your hair and that share the same emotions. people that inspire you.
the lack of inspiration is weighing me down. and all i do is waiting. waiting for life to happen again. which is stupid, because the only one who can change a situation is you. or me.

i miss you.

the dynamo of volition.

2010-10-29T23:15:00.001-04:00

most women tend to define theirselves through the way they look. if you gain 5 pounds you immediately think you're less desirable. you feel less confident and whenever you don't get the guy your body is probably one of the reasons. i am no exception.

for the past 5 years it has been a constant stuggle, up and down. i was skinny at one point, then gained about 15 or 20 pounds and then went back. now, i am there again. living in america is not the best thing you can do to your body. there is sugar or other artificial stuff in everything! and of course, you want to try anything that looks or sounds delicious. who knows when you'll be back and get it again?

so the first few months here i was eating pretty much all the crap we had. marshmallows, marshmallow cream, peanut butter, all sorts of candy, cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies and it goes on and on and on. i must admit i am falling for sweet stuff. i could eat american breakfast all day long. pancakes, french toast, waffles...and everything with syrup! not speaking of mexican food and tortillas [aren't tortillas with cheese, bacon, avocado and tomato the best thing ever?!].

at some point though i was done trying everything. probably half a year ago. so i changed my eating habits and hey, lost weight. then i moved to new york and so much new yummy stuff i haven't tried yet. and pizza night at least once a week. and if it's there, someone has to eat it, right?!

well, that's how the story goes. somehow we tend to put on weight during the winter months. i think it's a biological thing, so we can live through the 'hard' months. evolutionary crap. i could live without it. so i will try to.

my goal is to be able to wear a bikini without having to suck my tummy in all the time. or thinking about how to cover this and that. but the long-term goal is to get fit and healthy. since i am planning my trip to hawai'i, i realized that everything i want to do there includes sports. snorkelling, horseback riding, hiking, swimming and especially surfing. the problem is i have no endurance or strength whatsoever. i am pretty flexible, yeah, but that won't help much.

so we joined the local 'y' this week. which gave me the wonderful opportunity to try something new:

tai-chi.

it's all about being you - now. being present in the moment, connected to the earth. it's all about breathing and flowing movements that follow the principle 'from true softness comes true hardness'. it's all about calming down and clarity. relaxing, meditating but still moving.

i love the theory behind it. it's not just about your body, toning muscles or working out. think about it in daily life. only when you open up and let the world in, feel pain, happiness, love and everything else, you become stronger. by being who you are you become a strong person. not by imitating someone and acting up or hating. this only reveals your own weakness. if someone critizes you think about it, be 'soft'. don't block it right away. others might have a point and if you realize that it will help you on your path of becoming stronger and better. being 'soft' doesn't mean breaking down everytime something gets to you, it's more about being open. let feelings happen. let the good stuff in.

i am at least 30 years younger than the youngest person in the group. having those people around inspires me. today i met a women, probably close to 70, and she works out every day. yoga at 6 in the morning, swimming a quarter mile, tai-chi and working out. she said that otherwise she'd probably couldn't move much anymore cause all her joints would hurt [because of the lack of muscles supporting it]. it made me think about how i treated my body in the past. it is healthy, but weak. i can't run a hundred feet without wanting to throw up. ten push ups bring me to the edge of crying. how will i ever be able to stand up on a surfboard like this? i want to be able to swim fifteen laps when i am seventy. and i freaking want to manage the pop-up next year.

it's not that i look totally horrible right now. i love myself and who i am today is me. including every pound. because true beauty comes from within.

those 10 pounds have to go though. and the double chin. ha, i'm gonna fight you! softly.

yoga's next.

namaste.

suddenly i see.

2010-10-16T16:39:00.001-04:00

it falls into place. during the past days life has taken me by the hand and told me what to do with my future. at first, i was scared and searched for other ways, but the more i think about it, the more i become friends with the thought of returning to germany [not forever] and finishing what i started. at least then, i am free to do whatever i want. by 2013 i will have finished my education as a teacher. i will be 27 by then. that will give me about 3 years to find my place in the world. so it seems like australia and new zealand have to wait. the good thing about is though that i am really flexible and see the positive in everything. why not book an around-the-world ticket then and travel the world, celebrating my freedom?

honestly, being a teacher is not what i always dreamed of. don't get me wrong, i love teaching young kids not only basic skills, but more a grateful way of life. i love bringing joy to their day [i know that won't always work].

but more than that i love to learn about and experience cultures, countries, music and life. my ideal job would include travelling, music, writing and making the world a better place. and maybe a little marine biology [however that could possibly fit in].

the thing that connects it all is learning and understanding.

being blond, you're often not taken serious, because the haircolor of course determines how smart we are. in some ways it's good, cause you can use it as an excuse or play the dumb blonde. in other cases i just want to be taken serious. i might color my hair, but that doesn't mean i know nothing. in fact, my goal is to learn so much more than i already know. sometimes i feel there is so much going on in the world and even though you watch the news, you hardly know everything about it. living here in america has made it even harder for me. i must admit i hardly know what's going on in the rest of the world, but even the oil spill in the gulf of mexico or obama's health care plan are just words to me. maybe it has to do with lack of time or lack of information. but i guess that's just an excuse.

last year, before i left, i made a list of what i want to do and see during my first year in michigan. looking back most of my dreams came true. i know now that i can acomplish pretty much everything i want to. if i would make a list for the upcoming year, it would look slightly different.

making friends for life, learning to play a new instrument [or even going back to playing piano], learning how to surf, learning a new sport, getting to know more about the world and various cultures and living in every moment would be my goals. being active again, eating less crap and living a healthier life. simply improving myself. and after that helping others. sharing what i learned.

i just started playing the piano again, currently trying to learn ian axel's 'this is the new year'. i know the basics since i've been playing for about 6 years when i was young, but with like most of the things you're forced to do, you don't want to do them anymore. now, over 10 years after i quit i want to go back. i hope to be able to post the song here by the end of the year.

furthermore, i will plan my trip to hawai'i. i have started already by booking my first flights, knowing where to book a car and where to stay in o'ahu.

some people mighy call you crazy when you have big dreams. meeting jason mraz, backpacking hawai'i for almost a month, feeling real love. it is NOT impossible if you just keep believing in it. there are more things that i am sure will happen in my life. they are still dreams, but i will make them true. everyone can. the key is to live every moment and to decide for yourself what you want to do. allow yourself to fall for something or someone even if everyone else thinks it's not right. and if it doesn't work out it all comes back to learning. you know what to change, so try again.

improvise.

make a detour, but don't forget about your goal. keep it in mind and work hard for it. and on this detour you might even learn new things about yourself and your dream. you might improve skills that will help along the way. you might experience things you haven't even dreamed of. you might get happier.

i am enjoying my detour right now. and what is much better than being back in cold germany, stuck in a 3000-soul village with no car? living in new york with an amazing family. travel plans to orlando, colorado, miami, chicago, o'ahu, kaua'i, hawai'i and southern europe ahead. and right by the ocean!

life is good. welcome it with open arms.

empire state of mind.

2010-10-04T22:37:00.002-04:00

sometimes we forget how lucky we actually are. we all are human beings that should be grateful for being part of the free world. we have clean water, a bed to sleep in each night and more food than we actually need to survive. we know a lot about what's going on in the world and are able to read. most people in this world can not say that about their lives, and some of them are still happier than we often are. we tend to complain about a lot. so far, i have yet to see a country filled with happy people. all i know is that it's supposed to be costa rica [it just jumped way up high in the list of countries to see before i die].

but anyway, i moved to new york two weeks ago. it's the best thing that could have happened to me. i get to wake up every day in this amazing house right at the atlantic ocean. i get to stay with a family that actually loves me and is interested in my life. i get to go into the city on the weekend and it's just an one hour train ride away.

getting here was not as easy as i thought. the flight in kalamazoo was delayed and i had a connection flight in detroit to catch. since i couldn't make that one anymore and was without a cell or wifi, i couldn't even inform anyone about it. but it all turned out fine. seeing the statue of liberty while flying into la guardia, it took all my negativity and worries away. it's a new, fresh start. it doesn't matter what happened back there in michigan & illinois. i arrived where i was supposed to be all the time.

sometimes you have to make all the mistakes to find out what you want and where you belong. you learn from wrongs, not the rights.

if you would have met me 5 years ago, i probably wouldn't even have talked to you. i was shy and happy in my own world [well, kind of]. i wasn't very open to new people. the last anyone would have said about me would have been: "she has character and such a great personality."

but somehow, that's what i hear now all the time. i have changed. a lot. i talk to random people sitting next to me on a park bench in nyc. i hug and joke around with people i just met [if they're up to it]. i have an opinion.

but it's nothing that has happened over night. getting there, letting loose, is a process. first, you have to find out who you are and love yourself. and you have every right to do so, because you are truly amazing. whenever there is someone criticizing or challenging you, don't let it drag you down, try to learn from it. it is a positive thing.

then you have to work on becoming who you want to be every day. that means especially your state of mind. see the little things that go right, be happy about the sunshine or a smile. or if you have a minute for yourself, enjoy it, do what you love. and then, give it away. smile at strangers. make compliments. make them feel good.

last weekend i sat down in bryant park for almost two hours, just to let the sun shine on my face. i know winter's coming, so you need to enjoy those warm, perfect days. to some it might seem like a waste of time, for me it was the highlight of the day. even though or especially because i was alone. and still surrounded by millions of people.

later on i found myself complaining a lot. an american friend of mine and i talked about the past year and all those experiences i had. looking back, all i had to say were negative things about this country. i mean, i said it in a joking way, but still. i might not be the biggest fan of the states, but i still love living here. new york is made for me or i am made for new york.

so i left the city exhausted, but my heart filled with joy.

i really shouldn't complain about anything. and you shouldn't either. i know i am blessed and not everyone gets to spend a randomly awesome weekend in new york or chicago, but you might be surrounded by your family, a friend or a loved one [which is the best thing ever]. or you wake up to bright sunshine, you get to spend a day at the beach, you get to listen to amazing music. there is something beautiful everywhere.

make up your mind.

new york,

concrete jungle where dreams are made of

there's nothing you can't do.

now you're in new york

these streets will make you feel brand new

the lights will inspire you.

red light warning sign.

2010-09-20T22:16:00.000-04:00

if i learned something the past year in the states it's that american guys suck. i don't know if that's just an american thing though. i've never been going out much in general, nor did i go out on dates with a lot of guys back in germany, but i still think dating is easier over there and the guys are more open to commit to something.

it doesn't really matter who i met here and i met a few amazing guys. they treated me well and were fun to hang out with. until a certain point where they were ready to cheat on their girlfriend, just use you or want to marry you right away. i blame college and the way of living. everyone goes to college, it's not like in germany. so if they do, they ususally have a certain lifestyle and get used to it. this includes drinking, more drinking and having another girl at least every other week.
and this is the point where i blame the american girls as well. the guys here assured me that it's much harder to get an european girl, we just know what we want and it takes a whole lot more to impress us. american girls are, most of the time, pretty stupid and fall for anyone who compliments them. and the guys use them. pretty simple. i've seen it too many times that guys that are in a relationship or even married make out with others. that's just pathetic. but what to do if they didn't learn it otherwise? they graduate and keep on doing what they've learned. but how long? i've seen it all, from 20 to over 40.
or they are just too stupid too to see the whole picture and the consequences of their deeds? or too drunk?

i don't mean to sound that harsh. i wish i could tell something else. maybe it was just a kalamazoo/chicago thing or maybe i just met the wrong guys. then again i wonder how many wrong guys can be out there? it's not that they are wrong in general. i believe they have a good heart after all. but being a little less selfish and thinking with the brain in your head would help a lot sometimes. be a little more careful with what you do because in the end, you might break a heart.

for me, i learned a lesson for life. never trust an american guy. or is it every guy?

we are.

2010-09-14T21:39:00.001-04:00

i am always more than surprised to meet extraodinary nice people. and i instantly fall in love. not like 'falling in love' with them, more like wanting to be a little more like they are, adopting some of their attributes that make them special. those people inspire me to become a better person myself.

i say surprised because sometimes i give up hope they are actually out there, living right next to us. i met a few of those people in california, but california is far, far away. i met them once and might not even see them again in my life. people like jon marro or jason mraz that is. they do incredible things to make the world a better place. they treat everyone they meet [even though they're strangers] with the most respect, gratitude and love. just following their lives made me want to be a better person. and i try to be that every freaking day. it might not be obvious sometimes, because i have a hard time realizing all those weird, loving ideas my mind comes up with. too often money, distance or fear are in my way. there are still a lot of things to overcome.

so when i actually meet those people, and i am happy to say i met a handful of them in my life, it's like bringing me back to life. all the hope i had suddenly pays off. i've been hurt by a lot of people the year that is now coming to an end, so that meeting a special person finally brought some sense to the trip. i mean i learned that i am worth much more than what i've been going through so far concerning love, before. i tried to convince myself and i hoped for it to be true. now i know there will be someone out there who actually will be perfect, without me making him [in my mind]. i know now that those people exist.

it was a simple, but beautiful encounter and all that is stuck in my mind now is that i've never been treated that nicely. open, with respect and concern. nothing forced. easy going. honestly and loving.

it really moved me and still does. if i meet people i want to be kept in mind as a person who treats people like that. and is still fun. brought a smile to your face. made you feel loved. if only for a little while.

i am deeply grateful for those people. for the ones i was lucky to meet.

i wish everyone would be like that. it would make the world a better place. i believe that deep inside in each and everyone of us that side is hidden. we are human beings. we are beautiful. all we want is love and be loved. why don't act like it? and why settle for anything less than the best?

♥

the way i am.

2010-09-13T09:49:00.000-04:00

the process of getting ready to go out. it's a lot of work to look good sometimes [if i have too much time to waste].
i seriously couldn't care less.

[hahaha, consider this my most superficial and useless blog post ever. am i that bored?]

so long.

2010-09-02T22:14:00.000-04:00

last night i couldn't sleep again. it's been just one of many lately. 2.30am and i am still wide awake even though the alarm goes off at 5.45am.

i don't know the exact reason, but i think since this year is coming to an end i am so close to taking the next step into my future, my brain wants to know what will happen.

the whole time i was convinced that after new york i would go to hawai'i for at least 3 and a half weeks, see at least three islands, go snorkelling, horseback riding and learn how to surf. well, that's still the plan. that's still the dream.

yesterday, reality set in though. how much money did i earn so far? how much will i earn and spend the upcoming 6 months? will i have enough to realize my dream of paradise? will i still be able to have some left to travel europe and australia? what if i don't find a job back in germany? and seriously, what do i want to do with my future?

a thousand thoughts like that ran through my mind. i even wrote down the exact amount of money i will have, calculated how much i can spend every month and on what. i totally panicked. rather than living in the moment, being able to enjoy every moment in new york, i will now have to keep myself from drinking coffee and going shopping. i guess, reality finally set in. things, everyone else has to deal with every day finally reached me, too. and it sucks. suddenly i envied everyone who has a job and an apartment and a picture of his future in mind. i seriously considered finishing my education as a primary school teacher after travelling europe and before going down under.

really? is this really me? where is the dreamer, the optimist, the one who's convinced her dreams will become reality?

i believe there is something bigger ahead than letting go of all the dreams and living in germany. i would start school for the wrong reasons. i would just do it to make money to go away again. but getting a job means getting an apartment, settling down and then wondering if i am too old to leave again. it would break me. that's just not what i dream of.

then, there's the next question: what exactly do i dream of? blank.

yeah, travelling, enjoying life, not worrying about tomorrow. what kind of job could that be?

there is one possibility: applying for being a teacher who's working in a different country every 2 years. that is something that actually would be perfect. but how good do you have to be to get such a job? and how old can you be? yesterday, for the first time in my life, my age scared me. going through all those years ahead, i will not even be 28 before starting my future. what if this is too old?

so another sleepless night went by without really finding an answer to it all. but at least i'm over dreaming of making people who don't care love me. i don't know what's worse yet though.

then today, i really started to get this future going by starting to plan my trip to hawai'i. i will go, i promised myself. and if that means australia has to wait because i spent too much money, then that's the way it is. there's just too much i don't want to miss.

oahu

honolulu, oahu

mauna kea, big island

big island

kauai

this is the dream. and seriously, it would be amazing to share it with someone. i'm being serious if i ask you now if there's anyone out there who wants to go on that adventure with me? all that is required is an optimistic, happy, adventure-loving attitude.

there it is after all. the dream. babysteps though, one after another. maybe i will find out what to do with my life tonight or whenever i won't be able to sleep again.

...and so long to ever after.

goodbye.

2010-08-29T01:29:00.002-04:00

it was really nice to meet you, goodbye.
it's high time i quit wondering why.
cause i have lost all that i can
from my side.
when you think of me again
know i tried, i tried.
goodbye.

i'm not sure what to say. the end of my year in kalamazoo is almost here. about three weeks and i'll be gone. isn't it crazy how fast time flies by? and yet, those last days seem to be endless. it's probably because i am so excited to move on.

it has nothing to do with the family in particular. they were amazing. sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more. i've had a few exceptional days, mainly with my friends over here though. i've had a couple of bad days. well, maybe more than ever before. i don't blame anyone for that. it was my decision to leave what i was used to and dive into a whole new world. and so i learned. good and bad things. and this year has changed me.

i like change, in fact i love it.

so back to moving on. in case you don't know it yet, i'll be living on long island the next six months, one hour outside of freaking new york city. if you've ever been there, met the people i was lucky to spend time with and have those memories connected with one of the most beautiful cities in the world, you know why i am excited. the favorite memories of an aupair year are hardly the ones with the family [but they exist for sure!], more the ones created when you meet new people, live your own life.

i always did what i wanted and i need the freedom to do so. it's hard to commit to anything or anyone. i actually want to be myself and not make decision watching out for anyone else's needs. sounds selfish. let's try to explain it a little.

i wouldn't have gone to the states if i had done what my parents wanted. i would not have gotten a tattoo.

i wouldn't have made all the mistakes. i wouldn't have learned how to love the past year. i would not be who i am today.

of course i watch out for other peoples feelings. that's in my nature. i want them to be happy. so as long as it doesn't have an effect on my personal decisions concerning travelling, dating, my body or my happiness, i will do everything for you. i will help you out in every way i can. i will love you, i will be there whenever you need me. but be aware that i might leave. physically leave. i won't hang around forever.

sometimes i don't know why. i left my family. i left my best friend. i left lots of my friends. and i will leave people i love. and it never really hurts, like REALLY hurts. like crying and being homesick. i miss everyone dearly. but if you'd ask me what i wish for, most of the times i will tell you about a place i want to see before i die.

i'm not sure i wrote about 'social death' before. leaving for me is like dying. like disappearing from someones life just by walking out the door. to find out who really liked me, who misses me. who i will miss. as soon as i found out, i am beyond excited when i know that i will return to those people, hug them again and create new memories. before moving on again.

maybe it's because i know i will always return. we will always meet again at some point in our lives. let's enjoy the moments together, but let's enjoy them all over the world. i will return to germany, i will meet my friend from sweden again, i will return to chicago, i will return to kalamazoo. and now, i am returning to new york to meet some perfect people again, but also to hang out with new ones. i will go to bosnia, i will travel through europe, i will make new friends in australia. i believe i'm just not made for staying in one place. life is way too short for that.

sometimes i wonder what that means for a future relationship. do i actually want one?

let's quit writing about myself. sometimes i scare myself how often i use the word 'i'.

i want to thank the people i met here.

my hostfamily. i love you. you made me feel welcome, gave me some freedom and i will always remember that year. your kids are the most gorgeous ones i've ever met. period. thank you.

1147. you've been great. you are history now. everyone moved out. they do not exist any longer. i am so thankful to have been part of this for almost a year. i loved your place. gosh, i really do.

we spent the past weekend together and it was one of my favorites, out of so many great weekends. it included everything: love, music, sightseeing, party, sleeping, good food. you've been good to me. most of you, most of the time. whatever happened, thank you.

there are pictures that are more fun to look at at the moment ;)

...like this one. thanks, dan! for it all.

or jerry. a little less flirting would be good for your girl and you. haha.

zana. you crazy bitch. haha. you are just crazy, but in a good way. i could always be sure to have a good time when you're around. a little less flirting with other guys since you're in a relationship now, wouldn't be bad though. lol, i'm kidding. stay who you are. i love you.

elli. i love you! and i'm gonna miss you. we've become so close. we've become sisters. going on one-day trips wherever, bitching about boys and girls, watching movies at three in the morning. coloring hair. you are perfect. maybe we're just too independent and beautiful. but i'm sure we're gonna find our place.

these are the main people that made my year. i'm gonna leave you now. it doesn't mean we won't meet again though. i'm pretty sure we will. we probably won't be the same, because we move on. we change, because we live our lives. because most of us are still searching for their place.
maybe we'll start all over again. maybe we'll decide it's better to keep the good memories.

everyone makes decisions that lead him or her to certain places. some might decide to not change a thing and stay the way they are. i will move on, because i want to grow. i want to become a better me, for myself and everyone else. for you.

love & peace!

once i pick up my parts i broke on you,
i'll get used to the idea
it's not you,
not you.
goodbye.

goodbye. - greg laswell

this is how we like to end.

2010-08-27T20:19:00.003-04:00

i'm gonna miss you. some people more, some less. but you all have a place in my heart.

as far as i can.

2010-08-15T22:56:00.006-04:00

i'm gonna leave this memory and i'm never coming back. gonna take with me everything and erase all my tracks.

don't come looking cause you won't find me in the same old places that i used be, i've been living in the same daydream for years.

if you're happy i'll be happy for you, i hope everything you wanted finds you too.

i'm gonna get as far as i can from here.

you know what? i could have loved you. i could have made you a better person. and i tried, believe me. but i've come to realize that you did not want any change or played with me the whole time anyway.

i am still sure you are a great person on the inside. i just wasn't the right person to receive that amazingness. but anyway, you lost me. because once i realized what kind of shit is actually going on, i lost trust. and once i make a decision, i made it and i will stick to it. hopefully, one day you will come to realize what you missed out on. because i am different and special.

it's not me being arrogant, i just know who i am and that i am different in a good way. and i know i am worth much more than what i've been through the past year.

even though i am heartbroken now, even though i've been through so many downs, i don't regret a thing. there were so many moments that made me smile. even though i was foolish and naive, i enjoyed those moments. i learned from them. and i knew exactly what i was putting myself into, how it's going to end. it ended worse than i expected, but i learned from it. i ended up heartbroken, but that's ok. because it's life. you can't grow when you always get what you want, when everything goes right.

the whole year was one big learning-process. me trying to find out who i am, where i belong, what i want. figuring it out will still take much more time, but i learned a lot.

first of all, i learned that i am able to love. foolishly, blindly, not caring about what others are saying. it was the best thing that could've happened. otherwise i would still wonder if i can even feel that way. now i know i can. looking in somebody's eyes and being close to fainting [which now sounds stupid, but that's how it should be]. having butterflies in every blood-cell. ignoring that your head's telling you it's not right.

[since everyone already seems to know anyway, that's the guy]

on the same path though, i learned to not trust a guy that way ever again. it sounds a little sad to say that, but it just means not to fall for someone that fast again.

when i fall in love now, i take my time.

there's not need to hurry when i'm making up my mind.

i know it's hard for me to fall for anyone at all. that's why it was so hard to take it slow. i wanted it all after being single for so long. now, it's been almost three years since my last relationship ended, but i am learning to be patient.

good things come to those who wait.

everything that is going wrong is not wearing me down, because it just means something much better is on its way. and there was a lot going wrong or not working out right. the car-thing, the love-thing, the friends-visit-me-here-thing. but i learned from all of them, that's why nothing was really negative. it made me who i am today.

not everything went wrong though. i found amazing new friends i just adore. elli and zana, thank you so much. shep and matt, dan and jerry, you were pretty cool, too.

they are there. friends are much more important than any dating-relationship can ever be. you can do the stupidest things and they are still there. they don't judge, they just support.

we created some pretty cool memories over here and everytime someone from germany came to 'my' world, it was hard to combine those two lives. i guess no one who has and hasn't been here understands what has happened and what we created. when i come back, no one will understand. those are our stories.

being away for such a long time changes you, but it changes everyone back 'home' as well. you create your own memories i can not relate to as well as i do mine. no one who hasn't been here will ever understand my 'love'-story and i can't talk about it to anyone who doesn't know it all, i just can't. there were so many moments that are just mine. i wanna keep them in my heart.

i've become even more independent and strong-willed. some might call it harder. i lost faith in trying. if you're not good for me i won't try to change you. because i tried and it never worked. i tried to welcome everyone with open arms and i was being used.

even though i will keep that habit of being love, i just won't trust that fast again and won't expect too much from anyone...that way it will be pretty easy to impress me though.

i am currently in the process of moving on. dealing with a broken heart, disappointments. finding another family to stay with for the next 6 months, starting september 22. i am excited to leave and live somewhere else. going away means leaving all this crap behind, starting a new chapter. there is always the chance of finding what you're searching for, of being happier. but you gotta move on.

don't stick with relationships that aren't good for you. don't try to change someone who doesn't want to change. don't waste your energy dealing with people who don't love and respect you.

surround yourself with people that do. love and respect them. create memories and stories you'll share with your kids. be happy with what you are and give yourself a high five for being awesome!

after i left, i hope i made you smile at least once.

always leave the world a better place you found it.

that includes the people around you.

0% interest.

2010-08-13T01:49:00.001-04:00

cute, adorable, brown hair, smart, low self esteem, having issues, close to my age, interested in history, not really skinny. flirty, but not really into me. lying. smoking. weird start and me realizing too late that i am worth much more.

if you're one of those wrong guys, please stay away from me in the future.

my heart will thank you.

sincerely,

anna

brushfire fairytales.

2010-07-23T23:06:00.006-04:00

i didn't really like him at first. i actually refused to like him at all because the video he made for his next single was backwards and i thought it was a lame copy of coldplay's 'the scientist'. then, one day, i walked into some random music store and heard music i really liked. so i went up to the information desk to ask who that was. it was him who i blame now to have influenced my life in multiple ways. jack johnson.

he was the first artist i loved. the music caught me right away, a kind of music i didn't know existed out there. i guess i was too young to follow his career from the very beginning, so don't judge me when 'sitting, waiting, wishing' was his first song i ever heard [consciously]. from this point on a whole new music scene showed up right in front of me. but he was the first. this mellow, laid-back, bonfire music. just a guy and a guitar. this did not only influence my music taste, but my whole life.

what was the first concert i've seen because i really wanted to?

jack, live in frankfurt, march 2006. first row and 13000 people behind me.

why did i see so many other concerts during the upcoming years?

jack. this first live experience was just stunning and so much fun.

how did i come up with the idea to go to hawai'i when i never really heard of it before?

jack. out of curiosity, i checked it out, started to learn more about it and yes, if i want to settle down ANYWHERE SOMETIME in my life, i am sure it will be on one of those islands.

why do i want to learn how to surf?

yap, it just looks like so much fun [and it is] and it is so connected to hawai'i.

and jack [since he was a pro-surfer].

who influenced me the most becoming more environmental conscious?

jack. and jason, i guess. both are so commited to making this planet a better place.

i could go on a long time. it all comes down to jj and jm [mraz, not mayer!]. lately, i would have said that jason mraz has the biggest influence on my life and i guess it would still be pretty accurate, if there wouldn't be a few things i'd rather never heard of. don't get me wrong, he is still my favorite live performer/musician, he is just brilliant. and he is a nice guy. but [i won't talk about it - back to topic]...

jack johnsons last concert, the one i had been waiting for for over 4 years, reminded me of why i used to love jack so much. i say 'used' because his last two records just don't reach the first three. he knows that as well i guess, because only 5 out of 27 songs on tuesday were from his latest record. but let's start in the beginning.

driving from kalamazoo to clarkston, MI takes about 3 hours, coffee breaks and getting lost not included. the doors were supposed to be opened at 5.30pm. i arrived in time, but without a ticket since they didn't manage to send it to me beforehand, or it got lost or something else. so up to the box office to get it. credit card, receipt, ID...everything they wanted. it doesn't guarantee you to get in though. if people in the states would acutally know how to do their jobs... well, after some running back and forth, i finally got in and promptly met some cute guys handing me the 'all at once village green passport'. it's a small booklet telling you about the tour and the 'village' that is set up around the actual concert venue. there are plenty of non-profit organizations related to saving the planet. additionally, some britta-water stations where you can fill up your own water bottle [i'm proud to say i brought my own, when i saw the plastic mess most of the people left after the concert]. for all the things you checked out or had done beforehand [recycling, carpooling] you were supposed to get a stamp at the different 'stations' to get a chance to see the concert from the stage. since i was "such a cool girl", the guy gave me all the stamps right away. 'let's just pretend you did that...' haha.
[i never took part in the draw though]

well, right behind the entrance a small stage was set up. guess who performed about 45 minutes before the main show for half an hour? right: g.love, paula fuga, zach gill and jack johnson. 2 meters in front of me. live, acoustic, taking requests.

seriously, that has to tell you jack is a nice guy, down to earth. he does that every night before his own, main show. it is so nice to see him so up close with maybe 200 other people when later on, he plays in front of 16000!

ALO [animal liberation orchestra] and g.love [solo] opened that night. it was great to see zach and band again since i really like their songs. unfortunately, i didn't know most of g.love's tunes, but he was great and some people already started dancing.

the moment jack hit the stage though, everyone, EVERYONE was up on his feet. jacks only reaction was 'you don't have to stand up for me, you can sit down again'. what, of course, no one did.

during the whole night, no one sat back down again. everyone was singing along, clapping, dancing. it was one feel-good, sing-along party. but what he said reflects his personality. he's not that rockstar making a big deal out of himself, even though, night after night he plays in front of over ten thousand fans.

it finally was that great concert i yet needed to see. i bet with a european audience it would have been even better [i'm joking...maybe ;)], but along with jm 2009/stuttgart and gl 2010/evanston and maybe jacks first concert, this was one of my favorite ones ever.

27 songs. music from 6.10pm until 11pm [with a few, short breaks]. treated like a vip in the restaurant [since i stayed with the manager...thank you again, jackie!]. one of the top ranked outdoor concert venues in the world. sums up to being a pretty nice day with a lovely ending. jack solo-acoustic in front of that gorgeous stage setting. the background for the encore looked like the 16000 people behind me...

perfection.

and i didn't miss anything or anyone that night. it was too much fun to worry about anything.

i am so grateful that i have the possibilities to see all those concerts, to travel that much, to have great people in my life who support me and my decisions. they might not always be close.

in two months it's been one year since i left germany. it feels like four weeks. this concert seems to have happened in another life. even though i enjoy and live every moment, time seems to be flying.

sometimes, you should just take off your shoes, walk barefoot and feel the earth. take it easy. listen to some good music. appreciate the beauty that surrounds you.

slow down everyone
you're moving too fast
frames can't catch you when
you're moving like that

the nicest thing.

2010-07-19T22:10:00.001-04:00

all I know is that you're so nice
you're the nicest thing i've seen
i wish that we could give it a go
see if we could be something

i wish i was your favourite girl
i wish you thought i was the reason you are in the world
i wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
i wish the way that i dressed was your favourite kind of style
i wish you couldn't figure me out
but you always wanna know what i was about
i wish you'd hold my hand when i was upset
i wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met

i wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly
'cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see
basically, i wish that you loved me
i wish that you needed me
i wish that you knew when i said two sugars
actually, i meant three

i wish that without me your heart would break
yeah, i wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
i wish that without me you couldn't eat
i wish i was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

all i know
is that you're the nicest thing i've ever seen
i wish that we could see
if we could be something
yeah, i wish we could see
if we could be something.

this song says it all. period.

somewhere in between.

2010-07-16T19:32:00.003-04:00

another week, another concert. almost every week, there‘s something else to get excited about, which is good. because it feels like living again and as long as i am busy, i am good. as soon as i get bored i have time to think and get depressed. sometimes, when having time off, being on my own is good. and going to those concerts means me-time. alone.

yesterday i saw cary brothers. he performed at subterranean in chicago.

so back to the city. and i still can‘t figure out what it is, but i love it [if i haven‘t said that before ;)]. having 30*C and blue skies makes it even nicer.
i arrived a little later than planned, so right when everyone was off work and heading home. that's what i still missed in comparison to new york city: busy people running through the streets. finally. and running with them, knowing where to go, not being a tourist feels great. how i will miss this place.

anyway, i saw cary brothers and harper blynn. both for the first time, at least that‘s what i thought. but when haper blynn hit the stage i recognized the drummer and bassist. how small the world is. i met both of them during my very first night out in new york city. remember, the night i was lost searching for joe‘s pub? i expected those guys to play with greg laswell the last time he came to chicago, so i was totally surprised to see them there. but it makes sense, since cary and greg and touring together right now [just not in chicago - i‘d loved to see greg again. he‘s one of my favorite performers!]. i couldn‘t say hi after the show though, because i had to get ,home‘ since it was already 11.45pm and i didn‘t have a key.

harper blynn are a new formed band who was formerly know as pete and j. i hadn‘t heard of them before, but they were great! i really have to get their last record 'loneliest generation' since my 1000 songs on my iPod start to bore me a bit.
they were just opening, but everyone continued to play since they also form cary‘s band.

the subterranean is a small venue right at west north ave and damen which i found out is a really cool place to be. it doesn‘t hold more than 200 people i guess, but wasn‘t sold out. and once again i was a little disappointed with american audiences. i just didn‘t get to experience one amazing crowd yet [ok, let‘s not talk about the feeding the soul event in oceanside. that was a special concert with a pretty great community]. the reason for that might be that in germany/europe, whenever one of those artists is coming over, we‘re really grateful, it doesn‘t happen that often. and we want those people to come back, so we‘re trying to be the best audience possible. at least i am trying to. and clapping for more than 20 seconds is just a sign of respect ;)

cary brothers was amazing. i didn‘t expect anything less than that. but like a few weeks ago at mat kearney‘s show, i felt alone. going somewhere on your own in the states is weird. it feels like everyone is feeling sorry for you...like 'oh, she doesn‘t have any friends'. sometimes it feels like that for me for real. so the last two concerts have been difficult. someone to share my passion with would have been nice. i love getting crazy and noisy at concerts, making a big party out of it, organizing my whole day around this special event, getting excited. lately, i get there without any expectations, sometimes late and with having other thoughts in my mind.

i am in the process of moving on.

i need to find my inner strength again, being happy with my life and being single. it‘s not that easy though. i do not exactly miss a relationship. i miss the kissing and sleeping in together part or whatever brings back memories.
the past two days taught me that i am getting there. i am still shaking, i am still that little girl and hardly myself sometimes. i am still convinced we would be the cutest couple ever. but we‘re not and that‘s ok. i make up things that make it easier to deal with it. i will keep it in mind as a tragic lovestory, because this i what i want to believe. i don‘t want any more information that might destroy this picture.

so, being in between, you go back and forth. having great days and some that are less great. but you live them all. and sometimes those songs still get you...

i wish you could
i wish you would.

come pick me up
take me out
fuck me up
steal all my records
screw all my friends
make my heart smile on your face
and do it again.

i wish i could.

come pick me up - ryan adams

cary covered that song last night and in that moment it just hit me. going from perfectly fine to melancholic. well, that's the beauty of music and life i guess.

i want this whole story to be kept in good memory. and i want us to be happy. however each of us defines being happy. finding that person that fits or following your heart to foreign places or whatever you might come up with.

and if i did teach you anything at all,

i hope it was to love with all your heart.

orchids - maria taylor

i want you to keep me in your heart. remember me. i want to be the one who was here for a reason, whether it was to make you feel loved, to show you that you are worth having everything you wish for or simply to tell you that you are amazing. you are. believe it. believe in you.

i am grateful to be one of the 5%.

someday you will be loved.

2010-07-08T23:23:00.001-04:00

let me tell you i'm leaving so i can cut this chord,

or else my heart'll keep on beating forever more.

i would have stayed if you would have asked, but now,

the heartbreak songs are back, it's how i get over you.

it's why i write, emotion boiling up inside,

when it's this close i can't divide my heart and my mind.

answer - amber rubarth.

now that my year is coming to an end i try to figure out why i did it or what i learned. i learned that i am able to love but i also learned that i am better on my own. maybe i write this in a mood of disappointment or feeling alone, but that doesn't come from nothing. because before i came here i was happy. i mean i've never cried that much, i've never been that negative and i always had that happy place in me. now it seems to be lost.

but especially the past days i had to learn more. i am [again] not the only one feeling that way. i bet that almost everyone comes to a point in life where you don't feel appreciated. you feel like you're giving everything and caring about everyone, but no one cherishes what you do. you even get critized for the things you didn't do. i grew up like that. so i vowed to myself that i'll never treat people like that. and that love needs to come first.

it's not new for me then that whenever i am all alone, there is no one to care enough to even sit by my side or give me a hug.

maybe it's an american thing. 'yeah , i like you. let's hang out and do this and that'. but when it comes down to real problems, real emotions, they're gone.

i feel like my european friends still care a lot more than any american ever will. even if i don't write you back, you still want to talk to me and know how i am. you miss me. and that gives me the strength to carry on. i miss you, too. more than you know.

'whatever' seems to be my favorite word lately. whenever the kids don't listen, whenever something goes wrong, whenever germany loses the worldcup again. i just say 'whatever, i don't care or didn't expect it to go right anyway'.

on one side, this is totally off-topic, on the other, it so fits...some people actually sad sorry about germany losing yesterday, which was really nice. and yeah, i shed a tear, but then it was over. it wasn't supposed to go right anyway. it's just another loss in a series of events this years. my first reaction was 'it fits, it fits'. last year was all about being happy, travelling and having tons of fun. this year is about investing everything in something after a long struggle, just to be left disappointed in the end again. that's what makes me so detached. why should i hope for the best when there's no hope? it's some kind of self-protection i've been trying to set up. i try to make up my mind so it doesn't get to me if it goes wrong.

this upsets me. that's so not me. that's not who i was or who i want to be. i want to be that happy, optimistic, grateful girl again.

sometimes i think i am on a good way. because i figured out my emotional bullshit that has been going on for so long, finally. we talked about it and there is love, some kind. i finally had the feeling someone cares after all. if i'm wrong, don't correct me. the things i know now make me stronger again. i know i am beautiful, i know i am amazing and i know i will be loved. one day. hopefully, i will love again, too.

someday you will be loved.

you'll be loved you'll be loved
like you never have known
the memories of me
will seem more like bad dreams
just a series of blurs
like i never occurred
someday you will be loved

someday you will be loved - death cab for cutie.

i start to see the positive side of the whole drama. one of the comments here helped me a lot to get there. he is the one to show me what i am capable of: loving with all of my heart, without any doubts. and maybe he is not the one, even though i still doubt that. maybe, one day, i will wonder why i fell for him, even though i doubt that, too. i think it will take a long time, a hell lot of slow and sad songs, tons of blogs and my best friends.

i am grateful for that experience after all. and for my friends in europe. you're nothing short of amazing.

"i want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled

even when her heart is broken,

and the one that could always brighten up your day

even of she couldn't brighten her own."

passerby.

2010-07-01T23:43:00.002-04:00

i found a home. it's one place in the world i always wanna go back to.
the first time i came here i didn't understand. i missed the people running through the streets hectically like in new york city. the diversity of people, the famous buildings and the amazing music scene. but the more i come to chitown, the more i find out. there might not be as many concerts and such a great music scene like in nyc, but it is still awewome. many artists who come here say that chicago is one of their favorite cities to play in. of course they say that in every city, i'm not stupid. but it's a really great place to be. the house of blues, small venues like SPACE where greg laswell played his solo shows [still one of my favorite concerts ever]...

or taste of chicago yesterday. it's the biggest FREE music festival in the united states. so i got to see mat kearney again! he's such a great performer. i love the energy of his shows and he's always good for some improvised lines and getting close to his fans.

and brett dennen. i might not be the biggest fan of him, but he's really good and funny live! he's friends with that whole west coast music scene and many elements of his show reminded me of jason. the dancing, the playing with his voice. but he's still a lot different! a little more alternative than the rest of my favorite musicians. i was only familiar with a few of his slower songs, but the upbeat ones yesterday really caught me...so much fun to dance to!

but chicago is more. as soon as i stepped out of the union station yesterday i felt at home. that smell, the building, the wind blowing in my face. i know where i want to go, which line to take. chicago is amazing. lake michigan doesn't look more beautiful in any other place. deep blue, clear water, big as an ocean. millenium park right next to it. i was just wandering around yesterday, amazed and in aw, enjoying the perfect sunshine and light breeze before i got to see those amazing performances in front of the chicago skyline and the sun setting behind it.

besides that, i've fallen in love with the people. whether it's a random conversation about hula-hoops or free extra cake that comes with my starbucks order, i feel welcome.

then there's the place my heart stays even if i leave physically. it's wrigleyville, the place where the guys live. i haven't found another place in the states yet where i feel more welcome and loved. it's so easy to hang out there. i don't need to be anyone but me. i'm always happy to see all of he boys and vice versa. maybe that's the reason: they are boys and i'm the blond, german girl. haha, whatever it might be, i could stay there forever, living the college life i never had.
my heart is breaking everytime i have to leave, but i still know when i'll come back.

what happens if i leave for good? i just decided that i will kalamazoo on september 21. if i don't end up in chicago, there will only be one week left that i'm going to spend in the city - next year. it's scaring me.

if you have found a place called home [which it thought would never happen] and you have to say goodbye for good, will your heart break? i'm sure it will.
to all the guys at 1147: YOU are awesome. thank YOU for making me feel at home everytime i come there! i will miss you.

anyway, my body will leave. now or later. and who knows if i'll ever come back. my mind's gonna stay.

in the end i was just a passerby.

breathe.

2010-06-27T22:43:00.002-04:00

"some people do not have to search -they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned. they do not seem to ask much of life, sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. at times i envy them, but usually i do not understand them - seldom do they understand me.

i am one of the searchers. there are, i believe, millions of us.
we are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. we continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. we continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.

we like to walk along the beach - we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. we like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well.

our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. to share our sadness with the one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it is to share our laughter.

we searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide.
most of all we want to love and be loved. we want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls.

we do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love. we are wanderers, dreamers and lovers, lonely souls who dare ask of life everything good and beautiful."

this is who i am. and i know what i want and yet, i don't know what i want. it doesn't make any sense, not even to me. i love you, but i love me, too. we will never be, but as long as i know there's love, there's nothing wrong with it, is it? i will keep on searching.

i'm trying to face my biggest fear this week, give me the strength to do it. i am ready.

i think.

rough around the edges.

2010-06-25T23:49:00.003-04:00

it's ok, i'm alright. i'm just a little rough around the edges of this life.

after my last blog and the first comment i felt ridiculous. no, more like i shouldn't bitch that much about my life and rather be grateful for what i have. there is so much good in my life: my friends, close and far away, the great room i'm living in, parties, people who love me, summer and living in america. believe me, i am grateful for all of that.

but "love is life. if you miss love, you miss life." [leo buscaglia]

i even engraved this on the backside of my ipod. love is the most important thing. and right now, i miss love! sometimes i get along with it perfectly, other days i can't get over the fact that i am alone and no one is holding me at night. i know i am not the only one.

if you meet the right person in your life you just know it. i always believed this to be a myth, but it is true. you just know. it's overwhelming and i doesn't let you go anymore. but the worst thing that can happen then is that it does not work out. a friend of mine who's in a pretty similar situation said a few weeks ago: "maybe you meet that person in your life and you know he/she is the one. but that doesn't mean you are the one for him/her, too. sadly."

the thing that i am afraid of is that after something like that happens, do you ever fall in love that way again? or will you spend your whole life thinking about that one person, maybe starting new relationships, but without feeling the same way again? i am so scared that that's what's gonna happen.

i know i will leave. will we never meet again? lately, i am so in love with philipp poisels first record. it's in german and the lyrics are my life. there are a few that touch me every time.

"and when we meet again sometime, my breath is certainly gonna stop when i tear my heart apart in a thousand pieces. i think of you cause i can't do anything else anymore.

i don't know where we meet again."

- irgendwann.

"since i met you, my heart stops sometimes."

- wo faengt dein himmel an?

if you loved once with all your heart, will you ever be able to let go?

i try to believe that time will help letting go. i hope it does. otherwise this life will be pretty depressing. everytime i am drunk i start to cry. as much as i believed last week that i am starting to let go and finally feeling better without all that love stuff that is messing with my mind, last night i had to find out once again that it's just not true. give me a few drinks and everything i try to suppress comes back. here we go again...

so i am torn between being grateful and enjoying my life and all the good that happens, seeing this 'relationship' as the one that wanted to show me that i can love that way and being convinced that there's someone else out there who's not afraid to commit to anything and doesn't play games and the days where everything seems meaningless because you don't have that love in your life. then i am mad, because, damn, i am a great girl. how hard can it be to love me? i would be your coolest girlfriend ever. then i just don't get it and feel the need to run away [which i can't, but will pretty soon].

i know i am not the only one with those questions in mind. you are not alone.

life is confusing. there is so much i want to know. so many questions. so much i want to write about. like 'why does everyone play games when it comes to love? why can we not just be honest with each other?' and the worldcup. haha, those things have nothing in common. and i guess by the time i write something about soccer, germany will be out. until then, i will cheer for my team on sunday all the way from america. i hope you can hear me! go, germany!

what i am trying to say is that i am still learning how to live this life. still searching, still trying to find out what's going on and where to go. at least i know now who i am. i am love. even if all of this happens, even when i am not loved back, you deserve nothing but the best of me.

a beautiful mess.

2010-06-17T13:58:00.000-04:00

i am amazing. i am beautiful and smart, laid-back and hard working. i am open-minded and sexy, grateful, faithful and fun. i love nature, soccer, music and pretty much everyone i meet. i know what i want and hardly ever complain. i'm far from perfect. i give and give and give. i freaking care about YOU.

if you can't cherish that: back off. i can't take it anymore.

something i needed to say, since i sometimes feel like the world just takes and never gives back. then i realize that's not what it's all about. i will continue to be amazing, being love, and try to get better every day. i need to let go of people who are only bringing me down, because i cannot take this negativity in my life. we only live once. live like that and make the best out of it.

xoxo.

[go, germany! ;)]

never think.

2010-06-04T00:14:00.003-04:00

i can't sleep. i think too much those days, actually i always overthink everything. right now, i'm struggling a lot. it feels like this life is wearing me down. i am scared and i can't sleep.

i have no clue what i'm doing and what i want to do with my life, absolutely none. i don't know if i want to stay or leave this family, where i'd like to live - here in the states for the last six months as well as in my future life, if i should tell the one i love how i feel, where all of this will end.

i got plans. travelling to hawaii, backpacking europe, australia, new zealand. but why? and after that? what will i become? what's the plan?

i know i search for a place where i am loved. but i need to love those people, too [which is not that difficult]. a place called home. i want a relationship. but i also want my best friend around. i don't want to end up in germany though.

it seems to me that i want too much, but still don't know what i really want. i have no clue.

shall i ask for a sign? but how do you know a sign's a sign? the car losing another part on the highway? my family not being sure they want to keep me for another six months? if those are the signs, i should leave. because i don't feel loved no matter how hard i try. and i am amazing if you'd ask me. i give and give and give and love.

sometimes i wonder why. maybe they're not the people worth receiving it, but everyone is worthy! i'm stuck here in my mind, overthinking every damn situation. driving in circles.

what if i don't see the good signs? what if all of this is only in my mind and i see everything completely wrong?

i'd love to put everyone i love and who loves me back in one place at the ocean, drinking cocktails, singing songs and being happy. i'd love to hug everyone, thank them for existing, for being my friend, being part of my life. i want to thank YOU.

i love watching sunsets on my own.

let's watch a sunrise together!

what if?

2010-05-18T22:32:00.004-04:00

i'm gonna miss chicago, badly. i already do every time i have to go 'home'.we've been back last weekend and by 'we' i mean zana, elli and me. kind of new aupairs i'm hanging out with lately. despite that, they're gorgeous girls and amazing friends.

it was their first time to chi-town and i'm pretty sure they'll always want to go back.

chicago for me is a combination of a beautiful city [sooooo pretty in summer! gosh, i love it] and the parties. being who you are, not having to work, enjoying life, seeing concerts. all those things. and the people, the most important part.

of course, we enjoyed our stay. i tried to show the girls what makes it so special for me...some sightseeing, some drinking [or a little more] and introducing them to the guys i love.

i don't know how other girls feel about that, but i get along with guys much better than with girls [there are exceptions]. they make me feel welcome. i want to thank those guys for being so great human beings. the ones living there, especially tom, dan and jerry....you guys are pretty amazing. and their friends. i always meet new people, lately i met joey and dude, you're adorable!! some of them asked me to stay longer and i could stay there for weeks if i could.

today at the esl-class [english as a second language] i was asked 'what if?'. where would i be if i had decided to stay in germany?

i don't know, but i most definitely would have missed a lot. i would never have met this amazing family. there wouldn't be a girl holding my hand while she's falling asleep. i would still have another picture of america in my head and my english would be a little less perfect. i wouldn't have seen all those concerts i've been enjoying. i wouldn't know who's really important in my life. i wouldn't have changed my opinion about europe and maybe even germany. i wouldn't have met jason mraz and all those other amazing people. most important, i still wouldn't know what love is.

i am so thankful i know now, even if it hurts a lot sometimes. but all those amazing moments make up for it.

the end of the weekend always comes way too soon. the memories remain though. the hugs, the smiles, the tears, the guys cheering me up when i was crying about missing my best friend, the music.

i was lucky to see greg laswell the second time within a few months. he is fucking amazing.

it always comes back to the ones you love. not the location alone makes a place worthwhile, it's the people, the love you give and the love you receive.

if i could write out my own dream
for the next time that i sleep
you'd be the first one that i see
and i the last one that you keep
the dream would go on and on
while we sway
against all things thrown our way
and the morning would be so cruel
when it came
with sunshine and warmth to bring
for announcing the end of my sweet dream
for announcing the end of my sweet dream

greg laswell - sweet dream.

don't ask yourself 'what if i took that chance?'. take it. live it. enjoy it.

and by the way: i don't want to wake up.

what would love do?

2010-04-13T22:19:00.004-04:00

i totally forgot about concerts, sunsets and flirting. but i mentioned the most important one: love.

love is all around. love is the most important thing. but what is love? i have no idea.

so don't take it too serious what i' going to talk about.

there are many people i love. i love my parents, my brother, my friends and my best friend. i love all the good people on this planet and since i believe there's something good in everyone of us, i love them all. this is one kind of love. a feeling of a strong connection between me and people i know or meet. but every love is different. my family is important to me, but i don't miss them every day. my friends back in germany [or wherelse in the world they might be] are super important to me too and i love them. having friends in your life is probably the most important thing, having a soulmate is definitly the most important thing. and it's a special kind of love. different from the others. i miss her and i don't want to lose her at any point in my life. because that's a connection that will last longer than any dating-relationship. it doesn't matter how far away you live from each other, which other girls we are seeing and meeting, who we are dating or which clothes we are wearing. i love her and she is so perfect that i don't even get annoyed by habits that usually do annoy me. well, i don't know how to describe this love, but it's a safe and pure one. it's about seeing the beauty in each other and supporting each other along the way and being there for each other in every possible situation.

and then i fall in love. actually, i did just once so far.

and i think what i felt, is the following...

love - how a teenager would describe it. and i think that's how it should feel. i was was overwhelmed when i first felt it. i was shaking everytime i was close to him, nervous like a little kid. everytime i left and he held me like that the night before...

i was smiling all the way. this is the best feeling in the world. being in love. waking up and seeing the person you love lying right next to you, holding you. or watching him sleep. touching his hair, seeing the beauty in the one you love. when you're in love everything about the other person is beautiful. it's true when they say that love makes blind. if you're really in love you don't see the mistakes or they are cute, not that important or you think you'll be able to fix them over time. you think of the other person at least half the day, are day-dreaming about you being together and everytime you do you have that strange smile on your face. all you want to talk about to your best friend is him...how he smells, what he said, his smile, his actions. all these are indicators that you are in love. but is this love? or just a crush?

i believe that when the other person feels the same [i haven't been that lucky] it can become something big. you will be crazy about each other. everything you think about includes him and the only place safe in the world is in his arms.

“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.”

— Nicholas Sparks

but the point is, if you want this love to last, you have to be loved right back. i'm starting to lose it. i want to be the lucky one, but right now i am not.

“They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am a man under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There’s got to be someone for me. It’s not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone.”

— Henry Rollins

lately, i've been thinking about love a lot. i met some other guys last weekend, guys who want to go out with me, tell me that i am beautiful [sober] and are just acting like i want the guy i love to act. so i start to think about whether this is a way i should go. having a 'safe' boyfriend, someone who loves you. someone who treats you well and you like, too. but it's not that overwhelming, freaky feeling. i started a relationship based on those kind of 'butterflies' once before. it wasn't that great feeling that i'd call love.

how will you love now that you know what love can do?

- jason mraz

feeling love once made me realize this:

because there will come a time someone will realize who i am. and i will love that someone for who he is. for what he makes me feel when i am with him.

last weekend, one of those guys asked me what i am looking for in a relationship or a guy. "i don't know, i will see it when i meet him.". when everything fits. i have no idea. it just has to be this feeling i described before. i have to love his face, i need to want to kiss him all the time, make him smile. that's the irrational stuff. and then the brain kicks in. "he needs to like to travel, live the life i live. he needs to be smart, challenging me. and he needs to care about me even if we're surrounded by hundreds of other beautiful girls." uhm, yeah.

"what if you meet the one? would you stay here in the US and not go to bali, australia and new zealand? would you stay for him and have kids in the future" he asked me. would i? i like to think that i am so independent to don't do that. i saw so many people give up their dreams for guy and then breaking up. so would i leave even if he could be the one? i think i would change, honestly. now that i saw love i really think i would let down all my guards and just enjoy this love. i'm afraid i would give up on myself again though. to forget about myself.

but that's not the way it should go. if two people love each other the same way, everyone should still be and still live a part of the life he used to. everyone should still love themselves. and that's where it all starts i guess. i feel like you should love yourself first. not wait for someone to make you feel complete. you are perfect already. so you have to be happy on your own, have to know what makes you happy.

“The secret isn’t to find someone you love spending time with, I love spending time with a lot of people. The secret isn’t to find someone that you find attractive. I find a lot of people attractive for many different reasons. The secret isn’t to find someone who is nice, there are tons of nice people in the world.

The secret is to find someone who wants exactly what you want. Someone who is ready to give you all they’ve got, and in turn be ready to accept all the love you have to give. The world is filled with people in relationship teeter-totters of “loves you more” + “i have to act mean so they will like me back” or “I am just not ready”. Please do not waste any more of your precious time. You are an amazing creature. You deserve to be loved until your insides melt. Don’t give up on all the things you want. When you meet the right person you will have zero doubt in your mind. zero.”

— Keltie Colleen

until i have zero doubt in my mind i try to be love. love the one next to you. it is fun and the world needs more freaking crazy love. everytime you are in doubt what to do or how to react ask yourself "what would love do?".

be a love-transceiver.

i am looking for love. real love. ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each other-LOVE.

this blog is inspired by http://iheartlove.tumblr.com/ - my favorite blog ever. it is about the most important thing in life. i took many pictures and quotes from there. the posts are all true. they are inspiring. i am thankful for a blog like that.

the best things in life.

2010-04-06T11:07:00.001-04:00

1. best friends.

2. to be loved and love right back.

3. to love and be loved right back.

4. cuddling.

5. kissing.

6. massages.

7. to sleep in and wake up with a guy you like and he's holding you.

8. travelling to see new places and meet new people.

9. hooping.

10. yoga.

11. family.

12. sunshine.

13. the oceans.

14. the smell of the first rain after days of dryness in the woods.

15. music.

most of the best things in life are for free.

a big part of what i just named is missing in my life or i get to experience it just in small doses over a long time. guess what, i'm super happy nevertheless.

be grateful for the small things in life! <3

oh, and rainbows.

serendipity.

2010-04-04T23:21:00.006-04:00

life can be so good. right now it is. and i am trying to figure out why.

there are a lot of things missing. my best friend, a guy to wake up with every morning, steady sunshine and warm temperatures, my own life...wait, this is my life! i just lately figured that out. i mean i knew it is my life, but living in the past or future holds you from actually living in the moment. and that's what i finally managed to do! it was my goal for a long time, because i knew that's what i had to do. i don't know when it happened, i guess it was during the time in california. since then, i enjoy every moment, i am present in every moment. i love the people around me and try to give my best.

yesterday i came back from our trip to hilton head island, south carolina. it all started with a road trip from kalamazoo to indiana, kentucky, tennessee, north and south carolina. three days on the road with four kids in the back. i thought i would be more fun than it turned out or i would see more variation in the landscape, but i guess you have to drive through colorado, nevada and california to see that. anyway, i was present in every moment, grateful for the rain, the sun we saw sometimes and my stunning hostmum.

when we finally arrived, i was overwhelmed by the place we lived in. i mean it was a huge house, i got the best room of all [they were all deadly gorgeous], we had a heated pool and hilton head is an island, so the ocean is not that far away! we were greeted by sunshine and the warmth. and it finally looked different than michigan or germany. they have alligators all around, i even saw my first dolphins ever [swimming in the atlantic ocean]!!!

i enjoyed every day, even though i had hardly any time for myself. but i got to ride bikes around the island, saw stunning sunsets, hooped on the beach, ate good food and had good drinks [try passion fruit rum!!].

last friday, i went home all by myself. my hostdad booked three flights for me to get home: savannah - miami. miami - chicago. chicago - kalamazoo.

well, i hardly made my connection in miami and didn't go to kalamazoo. i was up to more exciting things. i went on a little detour.

the whole time i knew ingrid michaelson was playing with mat kearney that friday night at 7pm in chicago. i never thought i would even have the slightest chance to make it, but i landed in chicago at 4.35pm, so i was ready to try my best. taking the train to tom's place takes a little more than an hour, so i was there around 6.10pm. fortunately, he is a really nice guy [some might have another impression, but HE IS!]...so he drove me to a fed ex store to print out my ticket [did i mention yet that i hate windows?!] and to the venue. 6.50pm...i made it! i love my life and i love the people that are in it.

the show was amazing. once again, i have a huge girlcrush on ingrid michaelson and that's not gonna change soon, because everytime i see her, she amazes me. i guess everyone has a person he admires. i'd love to be like her [well, i love being me, but if i could be someone else, i'd like to be her]. she is so beautiful [and she's far from having the perfect body, hair or anything] and to me she's pretty perfect. since she co-headlined the show with mat kearney, there were some people who didn't know her. during the show there was a girl standing next to me just saying "that girl is crazy". yes she is, but in a goooood way! she says what she wants ["tonight, i want to see all the chicago guys' penises get bigger" LOL!] and has tons of fun with her band on stage. they were changing instruments in the end of 'the chain' so that ingrid played the drums, or covered britney spears' 'toxic' and danced all together in the end!! it was hilarious. and she knows how to get the audience involved. some people might not have recognized that though, cause they were busy smoking weed and getting drunk. seems to be a pretty common thing here in the states. i have never smelled and seen more people smoking that much weed before i came here!! however, she rocked it.

up next was mat kearney. i knew his songs, but he was always one of those guys i thought i'd never see live. and now i did and he is great! whenever he'll headline his own shows again i want to see him. from far away he looks a little like joshua radin, but he sounds different. he knows how to rock!

the finished to concert by singing death cab for cuties' 'i will follow you into the dark' as a duet, in the end joined by all the musicians. it was plain amazing. i love those moments and i loved it right there. i was dancing, singing along and having a good time on my own. i wasn't living in the past or future or worrying about having no one to lean on, i was present right there, happy with what i received.

i mean i live a crazy life. an awesome life. seeing california and the pacific on week, south carolina and the atlantic another. plus all the other states. plus all those nice people i met along the way. and then chicago.

i usually have good time there, but it always was worse when i had expectations. since my life has been so busy that i hardly have time to think, i got there with nothing to expect and had a great time. when i got back to the guys' house, we had a great time hanging out and hooping in the streets. let me tell you: get a hula hoop!!! it makes other people smile, you make tons of new friends and it is SO MUCH FUN!! we had a couple of guys stopping at the house to hoop with us and since it was a night in the eighties [26*C!!!!], everyone had a good time and if not i tried to make them smile. it works almost every time :)

the next moring, dan took me out for breakfast since tom didn't feel that well [haha, surprise! ;)]. all i can say i am so grateful for those guys, for what they do and for my life.

what has changed? why am i so happy right now? i don't know, but i believe it has happened in my mind. it's not that my life actually got better [yeah well, maybe it did], it's the way you look at it. instead of worshiping all those moments i could as well complain about how much money i spent to do that, that there were drunk people at the concert who were talking so loud or that i had to go on my own since no one ever seems to want to go with me [hey tom, listening to miley cyrus and not wanting to see one of my bands is just stupid! not all of them are depressing! ;)]. but i don't, cause i don't care. what's the thing with money? why should i save it all if i can have the time of my life with it right now? why should i care about people talking when i can have a good time nevertheless, it's their problem if the pay 40$ and then don't listen to a single song. what's the problem with going on your own? i don't need anyone to make me feel complete or happy, i can do this on my own. i think i made the right choices in my life so far. i follow my dreams and don't care enough about material things and that's what makes it perfect. how else could i have found such a great, great family who do so much for me? take me to so many places and are just awesome? every moment is perfect. it would be nice if some things change, but it's perfect as it is right now.

live in the moment. enjoy the moment. enjoy your life! and PLEASE follow your dreams!

do you remember?

2010-03-26T23:06:00.006-04:00

i'm on a roadtrip to south carolina right now. we left kalamazoo on wednesday. so far we've travelled through indiana, kentucky, tennessee and north carolina. we spent two nights in hostels, about 12 hours on the road and right now, i'm enjoying a nice, warm bed in a amazing house in charlotte, NC.

honestly, this trip hasn't been quite as great as i thought it would be. due to tons of rain, lack of sleep and 24h with the kids. i love them, i do, but having no ME-time alone at all drives me crazy. i need time to think, relax, not say anthing, not being asked anything.

today i have that for the first time. and as so often, i look at pictures from the past. i have some favorites i want to share. special moments and people i love to look at over and over again.

i have tons of my time in bulgaria to share. when i was there i had some really hard times, but looking back it all seems like we had just fun. i guess it's true that you only keep the good memories in mind. i loved being a kids-entertainer, not every part, but the shows and the pool and the sun and...

i made some great friends...angel, krissi, paddy, kami, basti, alina. i loved being on my own in a foreign country, caring for my own stuff. in comparison to the aupair stuff i was a little more independent i guess, even though i worked 6 days a week. and the people made a huge difference. i loved [most] all of them, so flirting and joking and having a good time was part of my every-day life. i guess that's what i miss most...doing goofy things with krissi and paddy. do you remember the one time we all wanted to go to golden sands, but krissi got sick and we WALKED all the way there? half of the time paddy was carrying me on his back.

or trying to play tennis and paddy getting us some figs out of the tree? or the one evening we spent hours in the enormous waves? or freaking out about germany making it to the finale of the uefa euro 2008 and then crying like crazy because we lost against spain? or our movie nights eating all kinds of crappy food? or goofing around with the kids and coming back to work 1 minute too late [getting in huuuuge trouble, lol]?

sofia, hanna, toni, jenny...do you remember sitting together after joshua radin's concert giggling and laughing like crazy just that joshua notices us? 1, 2, 3...

and then hanging out with all of them to play games like 'telephone' or seeing josh doing fun things? do you remember sofia offering adam to get him free shoes? and josh taking random pictures of jon and me?

do you remember watching the ridiculous croud in brighton waiting to talk to josh?

or the long walk at the beach? ;)

i love those memories. life is crazy. but also random cute moments like getting some color in your hair with your best friend...

i remember them all. and more. do you?

____________________________________________________________

on a side note...speaking of haircuts...i'm debating with myself whether to go back to bangs...

or not...

what do YOU think?

the heart of life.

2010-03-20T08:47:00.004-04:00

pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no, it won‘t all go the way it should
but i know the heart of life is good.

this year started off as the worst one ever. i can‘t remember any other year or even a month-long stretch where so much went wrong. during that time i thought it was some kind of test or punishment, because 2009 has been so incredibly awesome. and after january came february [like it usually does] and everything changed, everything got better. and now, it is march and i must say, if this year develops like the last two months i might even like it better than the last one.

a few days ago, i came home from california. california, like in freakin‘ sunny california!! i never thought i would go there once in my life and even when i imagined going there i never pictured it as beautiful as it turned out. toni and i took off on march 4 to spend freaking gorgeous day in chicago before flying to san diego. i‘ve been to chicago several times now and the city is really growing on me. i can give directions to tourists by now, know which train to take and figured out some of my favorite spots [i can‘t wait to go there during summertime]. and i love staying with the boys.

so we went there accompanied by bright sunshine and melting snow. we did a lot of walking around [not the last time for the next 9 days], hooping and taking pictures and ended up at the cheesecake factory. for everyone who doesn‘t know that restaurant...they make huge portions of yummy food and cheesecakes with names like, white chocolate coconut cream cheesecake‘ or ,lemon raspberry cheesecake‘. of course, all of them are served with three portions of whipped cream. [nice, and i wanted to lose weight during that trip ;)]. after that we went back to the boys house, playing beer-pong. i loved it [hey - a high!]. it was the perfect start for the trip.

san diego was first. if you like jason, you know that you need to see this city. without him i'd probably never thought about going there, i need to admit that. but i am so glad we did. besides san francisco, it was my favorite town in cali. super clean, laid-back and during the day you hardly see any people on the streets [which was kind of weird compared to all the people at night partying...where did they all come from?!]. first, when we landed in that beautiful city, i was overwhelmed. it was like landing on another planet...it was sunny, warm, we were surrounded by palm trees and the first thing to do was taking off our jackets, sweatshirts and changing shoes. how i love the summer. i can't stand the winter, not at all. it might be pretty for christmas but that's it. send me to a country with 25*C all year long and i'll never come back. and after snowy michigan this was a nice change. so we checked in our hostel, explored san diego a bit, met the first amazing person of that trip and saw our first concert. i'd consider that a pretty nice start.
scott cassidy, apparently a member of the rkop-community [jason mraz's message board] who can sing! and carlos olmeda, toca riveras brother [jason's percussionist]. he is the one who wrote 'dear anna'. and before the concert he came up to us and talked a bit, so he ended up singing that song for me [jason, we shall tell you that you should please record that song]. i'll be eternaly grateful for that, cause no one has ever done that before.
the next we were about to met even greater people. of call it the fulfillment of a dream that i thought would never come true. first, we went to oceanside, CA. when we started off in san diego is was kind of sunny, but oceanside appeared to be cloudy and windy! so where was sunny california? i'd say in our hearts.
we watched cute guys surfing and driven by a growling stomach, we went to ruby's. who did know that this is some kind of place where people still live in the 50s or 60s? weirrrrrd. but one of the cute guys working there asked me if i'd hoop for a free milkshake. hell, yeah! it's crazy how much fun such a small ring can bring to the world. everyone should have a hula hoop. or get a collapsible one and travel with it, you'll make at least 10 new friends a day!

i love thos random awesome moments in life, and there were more to follow. when we went to find the venue for 'feeding the soul' - an amazing event with an even better line-up - we walked by it [of course] and all i could say was "look left, toni. there's jason mraz". not kidding, he really just went down the street. those moments, where you just see a famous person from walking next to you still make my heart beat when meeting those persons is always kind of meeting like every other person on this planet and i hardly get super-excited about having met jason mraz. weird, i know. but we really did meet him, as well as bushwalla and the makepeace brothers. but there were so many other artists performing that night: dawn mitschele, alysse fischer, jessie payo, scott cassidy & friends and day old johnson [aka jason mraz - unfortunately he had a cold, but he was supposed to perform as well that night] bummer - i'd give everything to see a solo acoustic performance of him in front of a small audience. that's what would have gotten me REALLY excited. but nevertheless it was an epic night finished off by a huge dance party with everyone and a ton of hoops.

a dream coming true.

the line-up. united by love.

leaving san diego wasn't easy. we met amazing people there and didn't finish all of our plans, so we need to come back. i definitely will.

LA was next and to make it short...not my city, but yet again: another meeting with beautiful human beings!! we saw hollywood and the universal studios. we went to santa monica and venice [i LOVED both! - one of the most perfect days: farmers market, the beach, the sun, NOT the wind, the sunset, the music (we saw the makepeace brothers again)]. but i'm not sure i'll come back.

i love life.

venice beach. gorgeous.

so our next plane took us to san francisco. one of the most beautiful cities i've ever seen. it has so much more soul than los angeles. it is so different. again, the beautiful people didn't leave us. this time it was the creator of blend apparel, jon marro - such a beautiful human being-, and rocking chad! we ended up drinking beer and recording songs with him. watch out for 'the bananas'! our upcoming EP will soon be released.

so love followed us everywhere.

too many things went wrong during january. a stretch of bad events and bad moods. i kind of hid in a hole and didn't really find the power to get out. and it was hard to say anything positive. i tried. i did.
and now i feel so fuckin' happy. like there is nothing i couldn't handle. and this change of my mood, the change of thoughts got me thinking. is it easier to be positive and write about happy things and to be love when you're happy? i guess it is. when life is fine and everything works out for you, it's also harder to understand people who are not that well. why don't they just happy thoughts and believe everything's gonna turn out fine? it worked out for me, didn't it? i came to believe that's not how it works. i can't read other peoples thoughts. i don't know how most of you live their life's, what your dreams are and who you are loving for what reason. i simply don't understand, because i am not you.

i am in love with my life right now. and i am in love. for whatever reason [i haven't discovered yet - because if i'd think clearly, i wouldn't be....i think. i don't know]. i am still kind of confused about that whole being in love thing. i've never really been before and now it already lasts for quite some time. and for all the people around me it's seems hard to understand why i am. because they're not in love with him, because you are not me. but i am and i chose to not fight it right now. i know one day, i'll wake up and forget about it all. this is just how it goes. time heals. time lets you forget. and i am going to leave this place pretty much exactly one year from now to follow my other dreams. [i AM going to stay for 6 months longer...and i am happy to welcome more people here!]

love truly and never regret anything that made you smile.

i do. when i love, i love. and i don't regret it. because it's me who makes the decisions. it's what i want at a certain point of time. if i make a mistake, let me make it. i will learn from it. it will let me grow. otherwise i'd still be the same. and even if things make me unhappy from time to time, if decisions i made make me miss certain people, that is part of [my] life and it's good.

this whole trip gave me some clarity though. clarity i needed. i learned more about me and how i want to go on with my life. i know i love people. but i kind of forgot to love myself during the past months. in fact i forgot to become myself. so this is what i need to focus on in the future. getting my stuff together, losing weight, thinking more about me than him. and maybe it will work out and more likely it won't. but i am prepared, because i am in love with my life. because the heart of life IS good. and that's why i smile.

it's getting summer. at least in my heart. next week i'll leave kalamazoo for hilton head island, south carolina. the whole family will go on a roadtrip and i will get to fly back home with stops in miami and chicago. life treats me well these days. i enjoy all of it, but i know not everyone is as lucky and happy as i am, but that's why i want to make everyone close to me happy. and even strangers. let's smile at them. make the world a better place.

smile and love. you won't regret it.

cheaper than therapy.

2010-02-23T10:38:00.003-05:00

here i am. putting my heart out there. everything i tell is pretty much everything i feel.

right now i feel lost. i know now that i'm going expose myself just to put an end to it. this back and forth, up and down is destroying me.

i pretty much tweet about all my crappy thoughts. not because i want the whole world to know it, more because i need to say it. and here's no one.

the same with blogging. too many times, when i just need a friend to hold me or talk to, there is no one. really no one. i usually don't have a big problem being alone, but exciting things are only half as awesome when you can't share it with anyone. the same when i break down. no one to catch me when i'm falling.

so i try to find ways to make me happy.

i try to be love and treat everyone with love. if it's true that everything you do will come back to you, i more often wonder if it will come back to me. i'm not ready to accept the answer 'no' yet. i tend to beat myself up lately by aksing myself what's wrong with me, why no one really cares. yep, i'm back to that after being so confident and happy last year, something happened with me when i met him. and seeing that development i guess he's really not good for me. he could be, i'm sure. well, maybe.

so i'm running in circles lately. it doesn't matter where i want my mind to be, it always comes back to certain questions.

one way to make me happy is music, obviously. too often it makes me cry lately, but it also makes me smile a hundred times a day and lets me calm down, focus and think. without music i wouldn't make it. so i need concerts. luckily, there are a few coming up. concerts are like a huge, loving hug for my soul. even if i'm on my own, seeing a performer loving his work, creating beautiful sounds and sharing his soul with an audience gives me peace. period. it is energizing, motivating and lifting me up.

another big thing are friends. today, toni is coming to the states to share my world with me for four weeks. i'm really excited about that but yet a bit scared. when was the last time i shared a bedroom with someone for four weeks? will we fight? will i get annoyed? i can't be surrounded by people 24/7. that's driving me crazy. i need some alone-time. so will it work out?

i'm sure it will, because our souls are connected. it's not just music [which brought us together], it's the same kind of life-philosophy. hooping, loving, dancing in the streets. and smiling all the way. i'm sure, this 4-week stay will bring me back to life. it gives me the power to speak up and clear things.

friends are so important. you only realize it when they're all gone and no one has time for you. what made me smile the most the past days were random messages from a friend i haven't seen for almost a year. we kind of share the same problems with guys, but also the same vision of our lives. we worked together in bulgaria for only a few months, but this is a friendship i don't want to lose again.

everytime we hang out [fuerte or in leipzig] i start to ask myself again how two such rad girls can be single. like honestly, there are so many weird people out there having relationships, getting married. and we're unable to find a guy who really loves us?

we're fun to hang out with [if you're actually interested in us], [really] easy going, no girly-girls at all, love to surf, the beach and the sun. we love life.

well, enough of advertizing us, we're great, we're beautiful. and we're trying to figure out what's wrong with the guys. sometimes i really don't get it. you could have it all. we're no bitches, we don't fool around. let's blame it on the guys. ;)

anyhow, friendship is the most important thing in life. relationships come and go, but real friendships remain.

but the one relationship that'll always be there will be the one with you. so first of all, you have to love yourself. i have to start doing that again, because i kind of gave myself up on this shit going on the past months. i lost it.

but i'm coming around again. the strength is slowly coming back.

what helps me a lot, is this blogging and tweeting thing. it's a place where i can put all my thoughts. especially with twitter i don't get why anyone follows me, because i annoy myself there. it's always about the same thing. i never write anything inspirational or interesting. these are just the dumbest thoughts i have.

but it helps. both, tweeting and blogging. it's like self-therapy. writing all that down, i verbalize for myself what's going on, what i feel. otherwise i all rushes past without me hardly even noticing.

i started this blog as a kind of information page about my travels. it has become something completely else and i went from blogging for the people at home to blogging for me. sounds selfish, i know. but i don't expect [never did] anyone to read this. it's pure self-therapy. but getting responses is the greatest thing on earth!! huge thank YOU to who ever read one of me posts and/or commented on it!

so this is my heart. this is what i feel. don't judge me, please. and don't take it too serious. it's just my point of view. it's life.

love, love, love. all the way.

you're scaring me.

2010-02-18T22:50:00.005-05:00

sometimes i don't know what i'm doing. what i want. or what's happening.

i often plan things that are important to me in my head. try to figure out what will happen. wonder if it will ever be as perfect as it is in my head.

lately, i've been doing that a lot. predicting my life. but even if i was sure it would happen a certain way, it never did. there were minor things changing the whole picture. and i realized that even if i thought i had all possibilities figured out, i didn't. it's never been the way i thought i would be. sometimes it was more, sometimes less perfect. but always different.

if it turns out to be more, i feel as happy as i havn't been in a long time. it makes me feel alive and sure that everything's going to turn out fine.

if it is less, it increases the negative feelings. i tend to lose hope. that's what happened in many cases. so i tried to avoid predicting the future in my head. there is no use, because life happens. it happens while you make plans.

the past weeks had everything, joy and disappointment. but i still don't know what the future is going to be like. everything is kind of unsteady.

there are some things i am 90% sure they will happen. i used to think some things are a hundred percent sure, but the past has taught me differently.

like toni arriving on time the upcoming tuesday. apparently there is a strike going on now, so who knows if she'll make it? our tickets to and from chicago are booked, i will be there [most likely].

we will go to chicago again on march 4, to california on march 5. we're gonna see bushwalla, the makepeace brothers and other beautiful people live in concert, will meet jon marro, the founder of blend apparel and will hoop at the beach. will we? i better not think about it.

i plan on staying here for 6 months longer, meaning i'll see hawai'i next year. is this the way it's going to happen or will i or something else change my mind again?

there are a couple of other things i think about the whole time though. i keep on thinking about the past and the future. what has happened, what i want to happen and what might happen. i know it holds me from actually living this life.

i want certain things to happen. but that requires certain actions, actions i don't know i'm willing to risk. i'm afraid i'm going to get hurt, to face the truth that might mess me up completely. i somehow know that when i take that risk it will change everything and i do not even consider a positive outcome. i just feel like it's going to ruin a lot. so i am kind of in a dilemma. risk everything and have clarity or stay in the situation i'm in, having highs and lows, but never being sure where the hell i am and what i am doing.

a few days ago, several quotes popped up on my twitter.

"facing a scary truth is far better than living ANY kind of lie.

truth brings clarity, peace, good health and abundance."

"the pain of being afraid that you're going to get hurt is much greater

than opening up and risking it."

i love them and they are so true, i know that. the situation i'm in right now is not easy. it's not really a lie, but it's not the truth either. i don't know what it is. and that's the big question. i need clarity. i need to know where i am to be able to deal with it.

but that's what i am scared of. taking a step is not easy and i'm not sure i'm ready for it. yet. i know the day will come and i know that the sooner the better. but i'm kind of on my own. no one's pushing me, no one will hold me back and no one will support me.

sometimes, i find myself in situations where i don't even know what's going on. i don't mean being drunk and not remembering or having all your skills together. i'm talking about inter-personal encounters. relationships.

if someone's fooling me, i usually don't get it. it's fun for the others, cause it makes me look stupid or naiv. i tend to blame it on my haircolor ;).

no, i usually expect everyone to tell the truth and have the best intentions. i know it's kind of naiv. i believe in people. i kind of expect them to be like me. i hate to lie. i think that's one of the worst things to do ever. you might fool somebody once, twice or even worse. but as soon as the other person finds out, you lose that trust forever. i don't know about any in english, but in german we have a neat saying for that: 'wer einmal luegt dem glaubt man nicht, auch wenn er die wahrheit spricht.' so why lie?

other situations include romantic feelings. i'm kind of an dumbass when it comes to that, honestly. i will never get that someone likes me until you scream it in my face. or i tend to realize it when it's far to late to respond. so let me tell you: if you like me, tell me. [if you don't, don't...haha, joking]. i need to know where i am.

so open up, take a risk, follow your heart.

i'm just not sure i can. because i'm scared as hell.

i hope, everyone had a great valentine's day! since i consider this valentine's week i want to say that i love you. never forget that you are loved. and never forget to love. even if you don't get it back right now, one day you will.

[nonetheless, i'm doing fine. i'm having a great time over here and like i said, i'm seriously thinking about extending. three of my best friends will visit me here the upcoming months, there are great things planned. and i didn't have another car accident ;)]

days go on.

2010-02-06T23:15:00.000-05:00

in two weeks i will be here for 5 months. it's crazy how fast time flies by. and even if i do miss some things sometimes, like my old eating habits [haha, seriously, someone stop me from eating], i really like it here, especially the travelling part.

last wednesday i went to chicago again, for one night. just to see greg laswell live. it's only been the second concert here i actually paid for, the rest of them were free. which is crazy, because i've seen so many concerts, far more than i've expected before i came here. it's also because of my amazing hostmum who lets me go there, even if it's only a night. and i love going to chicago. it's always like a small vacation.

before i went there i didn't know what it was going to be like. nothing good had happened so far this year. but i was convinced that everything was going to change as soon as it was february. i knew everything was going to turn around. life, luck, love.

and it did. on february 1st i received two super important packets. the first one was my birthday-present i've been waiting for since christmas. the other one was the one with my two blend shirts that got lost the first time - with 4 stickers and a love note i could have never even wished for. as soon as i saw the postman i knew my luck had turned around. really crazy.

[don't send me any more chocolate, pleeeeease!]

all of a sudden i could book the flights to california, which did not work in january [for whatever reason]. yeah, that's right. i'm going to california - san diego, los angeles and san francisco to be precise. i still don't believe it. toni and i are really going to see those beautiful cities in less than a month. today, i booked some more stuff like the flight back home and a train from san diego to LA. so we're going to see the beach, hopefully some sun and are going to meet some beautiful people. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

and then i went back to chicago. the place is growing on me and i haven't even seen it in summer yet. it's the place where i can be. and i feel welcome there. the guys i'm staying with are gorgeous - tom, dan, jery and sagar. i love hanging out there.

but this time my main reason was to see greg laswell in evanston, il. since i poorly failed to watch his performance at joe's pub on my first day in the united states with adam - remember, i got lost?! - i really wanted to see him again [not just talk to him and his band]. and it was so worth it. again, my music taste never disappoints me. because these people are real. they stand on a stage with nothing more than a guitar [or a piano. sometimes with a full band] and make a night out perfect. this was my first [paid] concert i went to completely on my own and here in the states most of them are seated. so i sat in that crowd between all those couples. tons of them.

tim schurrer supported greg, instead of rosi golan who got sick. he sang all those songs about his wife, about love and happy relationships. i kind of felt lost there. only the last song was about being single and he asked the crowd who is. am i?

tim schurrer

as greg hit the stage all those thoughts were gone. he created such a warm and intimate atmosphere. i guess there were around 200-300 people there, everyone could ask questions at any time and wish for songs. as someone requested 'off i go' i prayed he would play it. he almost got in a fight with the girl requesting it [he was joking] by saying it would only make sense with the whole band, but he'll be back in may. hopefully with them, because they are such nice guys!! the show lasted almost three hours. three hours of beautiful music and lots of jokes. i left that venue with a huge smile on my face. i have to see this guy again!

greg laswell

returning to the guys' apartment made me even happier. it's so much easier for me to hang out with guys than with girls. and it's so much more fun. thank you guys, you are awesome!

so my new year, which started february 1st, is awesome. i feel like i passed the test or whatever january was. it could only get better. and it did. i am pretty happy right now.

next weekend i am going to be in chicago again. and it's valentines day. so go tell someone you love them. i did and i will.

schreibe dir.

2010-01-30T22:45:00.005-05:00

ok, so this is for my family,

my friends [especially nadine, florian, sofia, dilyan, weylo, sigi & michael, basti, bene, yvonne, gunther & carole, ...]

and everyone else who wants to know what's going on in my life right now.

i am sorry i can't write back to everyone or answer my skype/facebook chat, i don't have even time to take my pill [which takes about 2 seconds] at the right time!! don't be mad or something, it's not that i don't want to or forget about you, i just can't.

i'll write this in english and german...might not be exactely the same, but then nobody can complain about not understanding me. [i'm sorry i can't do this every time. this is an exception!]

english first, just because it's easier:

i'm fine, i'm alright. i've been in the states now for more than four months and after that time you kind of find out what's good and what could be better. and you start a life here. you make friends [more or less], figure out how to drive those big cars [haha, i'm coming around], which way to go, how to organize your day and how to talk to each of the kids. other things, i still can't figure out. these are the ones i write about mostly. the big questions in life about love and the future.

i'm really good today. it's been a cold, but sunny day! doesn't happen often. the weather is the same as in germany. snowy and mostly dark, so today i had my day off and i had to get out! as some of you might know, during the past couple of weeks, i got myself a guitar and a hula-hoop. so today i hooped on and walked over our frozen lake. it's a huge one and i've never done that before. it was just amazing. as soon as the sun is out, i'm happy. come what may. and i can't wait for summer. i know i need to live somewhere where the sun shines mostly every day.

because this past couple of weeks i've been kind of depressed. i don't know if it was the weather or all the things that happened, i just felt pretty low. so i decided that my year starts tomorrow, february 1.

for those who don't know what was going on, i had two car accidents [one in december - not my fault, and one on january 3 or 4 - a really scary one], my birthday wasn't what i expected it to be and there were another couple of things going wrong. right now, i suggest that everyone should stay away from me and my bad luck ;)

but last year, i already travelled a lot, mostly to new york, a bit in michigan and to chicago. this year, i'll see san francisco, san diego, los angeles, hilton head island [south carolina], chicago, hawai'i for sure and hopefully las vegas and new york again. this is the plan.

my daily life looks like that: i get up at 5.50am, wake up the kids at 6.10am, get them ready for school, go to college myself at 8am and/or to the gym to work out a bit [cardio - i got much better!!, stretching - big improvement as well!, sauna and take yoga/pilates classes]. then i might take a nap and start working again around 2.30pm until 8/8.30pm. after that i pretty much always go straight to bed, watch some series, study or write a mail, upload some picture, etc. [yeah, not too much, i know.]. and that's it. when you do that every day, with four kids to take care of and fight with every day, there's not that much energy left to write 10 mails. i read all of them with great joy, but replying is kinda hard. hope you understand that a bit.

during the weekends i might have a day off and sometimes i'm in the mood to chat with everyone, but i mostly want to have kind of my own life where i eat when i want to, sleep as much as i want and do whatever i want. just to stay sane.

or i go away. chicago seems to be the most relaxing destination for that at the moment. i'll be there again from february 12-14. i usually stay with tom and dan [and the two other guys, if they're there], drink, play beer pong, sleep and do not really do anything at all. i know this'll change during summer, but when it's 10*F outside, i prefer to stay inside with some cute guys and shut my brain off. i don't have internet there, too.

other weekends, i went to the union with camilla, the swedish aupair who leaves in a few weeks, just to have some mojitos [best ever], food [pretty good too] and chat with the bartenders [jep, everything is pretty good there ;)] or to the movies. sometimes i travel. but that's it. besides that i struggle with some things i write about here.

what's new then? i got a haircut a few days ago.

i try to learn how to play the guitar [but still need some good lessons and have hardly any time]. i try to learn some hooping tricks. i eat way too much. i got myself some new blend apparel shirts [2 of them got lost - of course, it's january! - but new ones are on their way]. i'll be in chicago wednesday night for a rosi golan/greg laswell concert and my good friend toni is coming on feb 23 for a month to rock the john mayer concert, michigan, chicago and california with me!

that's about all i can tell. to me it sounds pretty boring right now, but i try to rock every day. i love the family i'm staying with, they are AMAZING. honestly, wow!

what has changed?

after two years of being single and haven't kissed a single guy, i started that again. i drink more alcohol than i have back in germany. i weigh about 10 pounds more, but i work out more, too. i discovered some new artists and spend way too much money. i'm a starbucks addict and became a bit more moody lately.

yeah, that's my life. and i love it. even when i don't sound like that sometimes.

because the best is yet to come!

german oder auch deutsch ;)

das ist der viel schwierigere part fuer mich. nicht weil ich kein deutsch mehr kann [obowhl meine saetze ziemlich umstaendlich werden koennen], vielmehr weil es so viel einfacher ist sich in englisch auszudruecken. naja, ein versuch ists wert.

mir geht es gut. wir hatten heute einen superschoenen sonnentag in michigan. kommt hier wie in deutschland nicht allzu oft vor. und ich hatte meinen freien tag [kommt auch nicht zu oft vor], also anstatt in meinem zimmer zu bleiben, hab ich mir meinen hula-hoop geschnappt und bin raus aufs eis. der gesamte see, an dem unser haus liegt, ist zugefroren. sogar so sehr, dass autos drauf fahren koennten [obwohl ich da immer noch etwas skeptisch bin]. er ist zugeschneit und war einfach wunderschoen den glitzernden schnee zu sehen und auf die andere seite zum country club zu laufen. ich brauch wirklich nur sonnenschein um gluecklich zu sein. deswegen koennte ich in michigan oder deutschland schwer gluecklich werden.

die letzten wochen waren nicht die besten. nach 2009 sogar ziemlich heftig schlecht. ich hatte meinen 2.autounfall, einen net ganz so tollen geburtstag und viele andre sachen, die schief gegangen sind. deswegen hab ich mir vorgenommen, dass mein 2010 morgen, montag, einfaengt. mal sehen, wie das laeuft. es kann eigentlich nur besser werden.

absgesehen von januar gehts mir hier eigentlich ziemlich gut. ich habe eine wahnsinns-familie! vor allem meine hostmum ist der hammer. mein gastbruder [leider?] auch. das anna hat sich ein wenig verliebt. aber das ist der lauf der dinge schaetze ich. ich war lange single ohne auch nur irgendjemanden gekuesst zu haben. in der hinsicht hat sich mein leben hier ein wenig veraendert. leider scheint es hier aber auch schwieriger zu sein, ne beziehung anzufangen. oder ich verlieb mich mal wieder in den falschen kerl. aber dazu mehr in meinem blog - allerdings auf englisch ;)

sonst reise ich ein wenig. hab letztes jahr new york, chicago und einiges von michigan gesehen. dieses jahr gehts nach chicago, san francisco, san diego, los angeles und hilton head island [south carolina]. und hoffentlich auch nach las vegas [versuch immer noch tom zu ueberreden, drueckt mal die daumen!] und wieder nach new york. und natuerlich hawai'i im september/oktober!

meine tagesablauf ist wie folg [damit man versteht warum ich mich so wenig melde - hoffentlich]. wecker klingelt das erste mal um 5.30, aufstehen tue ich dann gegen 5.50 und wecke die kids 6.10 uhr auf. wenn die aus der tuer sind [7.25] fahre ich an die uni und/oder ins fitnessstudio. dann hab ich eventuell ne stunde oder zwei fuer mich, in der ich gerne schlafe. gegen 14.30 fang ich dann wieder mit dem arbeiten an, dauert bis 20/20.30 uhr. vergebt mir, wenn ich danach nur noch energie zum serien gucken und kopf abschalten hab. nebenbei muss ich auch noch was fuer die uni machen. lalalalalala life is wonderful...

also sorry! falls ich nicht immer/selten antworte. ich hab halt kaum zeit fuer mich. an den wochenenden hab ich dann meistens einen tag frei, der mir gehoert. ich bin entweder in chicago - der einzige ort an dem ich wirklich ich bin, alles geniesse und meinen kopf abschalte, feiere, kuschel und sonst was tue - oder daheim. so wie heute. wenn ich dann jedem antworten soll, war das mein tag. sorry, das klingt alles viel gemeiner als es gemeint ist [deutsch, bah.].

heute habe ich meinen tag also mit hula-hooping, essen, serien gucken, schlafen und jetzt blog schreiben verbracht. es ist mittlerweile 22.37uhr und ich muss noch 3 verlaufsplaene schreiben und ueber 100 seiten lesen. what a life.

sonst hab ich ne neue frisur [siehe oben], hab mir ne gitarre [hab aber mal wieder zu wenig zeit und keinen, der mir das wirklich beibringt ausser tom (in chicago) und toni (die erst gegen ende februar hier her kommt)], neue blend shirts und nen hula hoop gekauft. ich hab mindestens 5 kilo zugenommen, liebe starbucks, bin aber fitter als noch in deutschland, LIEBE yoga und bin ein wenig launisch in letzter zeit. was zum groessten teil an dem liegt, worueber ich hier sonst in meinem blog oder bei twitter schreibe.

aber es geht mir gut, weil das beste noch vor uns liegt.

[sorry, das hier war eine ausnahme mit dem deutsch. ich mag es wirklich nicht.]

starting now.

2010-01-25T21:12:00.000-05:00

yesterday, leah asked me "what will you do when you get back to germany and do not live with your parents anymore?". it got me thinking. actually, i've been thinking about that a lot lately, what i want to do with my life. and let me tell you this: i have no plan. i don't know if i'll ever become a primary school teacher, if i someday want to have kids and if i even might consider living in germany afterall.

right now, i don't even know who i am. i am a girl. i currently live in kalamazoo, michigan with a great family. but this job gives me hardly any time to find out who i really am. i am stuck in a daily routine with not much room for creativity or personal time. i don't blame anyone for that, don't get me wrong. that's what i chose and i feel more than blessed to have the chance to experience another culture, to live in another country for more than a year. i already saw much more than the majority of people on this planet will ever do. i met AMAZING people and leaving some of them will be the hardest part to do. so i am truly thankful for everything that happens.

even though, i don't know who i am and where i will be in a year or two, i know who i want to become. i have a vision of myself, but no date or deadline. i just know that in the end i want to be love. i want to be that energetic, happy, guitar-playing, everyday yoga and gratitude-practicing, hoola-hooping, beautiful, loving, spiritual, passionate, surfing girl that is kind of a hippie, loves everyone, is in good shape, gives, forgives, gets back to her friends immediately and lives her dream [when i finally found out what that is].

yeah, that's pretty much the vision i have of myself. i am trying to work on that, every day.

and just today i found a blog that i instantly fell in love with. some of you might know who she is, i just think she is one of the most beautiful girls i've ever seen - inside out. she is just 24 [like me], but seems to be everything i want to be some time from now.

as i went through her posts i found the following new year's resolutions she made for 2009. i love them, but as i said before, everyday should be the new year. so these are things we all should try to accomplish every day. i am starting now.

1. take a 10-30 minute walk every day. and while you walk, smile. it is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. [buy a DVR and tape your late night shows] and get more sleep.

4. when you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'my purpose is to ______ today.'

5. live with the 3 e's -- energy, enthusiasm, and empathy.

6. play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.

7. make time to practice meditation, and prayer. they provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. dream more while you are awake.

10. eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. drink green tea and plenty of water. eat blueberries, wild alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. don't waste your precious energy on gossip, OR issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. smile and laugh more. it will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.

18. life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. don't take yourself so seriously. no one else does.

21. you don't have to win every argument. agree to disagree.

22. make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. don't compare your life to others'. you have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. no one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'in five years, will this matter?'

26. forgive everyone for everything.

27. what other people think of you is none of your business.

28. REMEMBER GOD heals everything.

29. however good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. your job won't take care of you when you are sick. your friends will. stay in touch.

31. get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. envy is a waste of time. you already have all you need.

33. the best is yet to come.

34. no matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. do the right thing!

36. call your family often. (or email them to death!!!)

37. each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: i am thankful for __________. today I accomplished _________.

38. remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. enjoy the ride. remember this is not disney world and you certainly don't want a fast pass. you only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. please forward this to the one's you care about.

"our lives are brief. tell someone you love them. cry. eat good food. make something that you are proud of. live your life with big joy."

- ingrid michaelson

and give ♥, to everyone. it is worth the weight.