it is what it is.

sometimes change happens faster than you think would be possible. like a really dramatic change. it comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden, you're in a completely different place. a new situation you might not feel comfortable in.

it just happened to me. well, i let it happen. but i'm still not sure i like it.
i'm in a relationship. there, i said it.

it feels really, really weird. and it has nothing to do with him. it's the situation itself. even before i got into this i was convinced i'm a mess when it comes to relationships. now, i believe it more than ever.
i'm not the type to call 5 times a day. to hold hands all the time or plan my life around a guy. this is so not me. and i don't want to be like that either.

i know a lot of people who jump from one relationship to another, just to not be alone. who don't feel complete on their own. the ones you hardly know as a single.
well, let's say i embraced exactly that. being single, even though sometimes it has its downsides, is the best thing ever. you're free. and it doesn't mean you're not loved.

i have a huge problem commiting to anything. an even bigger one commiting to someone. it feels like i give up on myself, my dreams and plans. because they just don't include someone else but me. i like going places on my own. it sounds so incredibly selfish, i know.

i believe it to be fear. letting oneself fall ain't easy. it takes a lot of courage to go there and allow yourself to get hurt. i think after all the drama in the states i'm just not used to somebody really liking me. there's so much to learn.
after all the drama in the states, i've also become another girl. i'm used to a different kind of dating.  not the safe, predictable kind. i get bored really fast. and i'm afraid that's what's gonna happen. i don't like life to be predictable. i want it to be one big adventure.

gosh, random thoughts. i'm a mess right now. even more than before. mostly scared with a bit of happiness and absolutely no idea how express my feelings in german. that's another thing. everything i want to say just sounds fucking stupid out here. so i don't say anything.

this is gonna be awesome.
so much to learn.
do i want to be in or out?