blame it on the changes.

how can you miss something that never even existed? like you meet someone and that person is amazing. but the next second you have to turn around and leave. leave it all behind without having been able to really getting to know the other person. their dreams, their hopes and fears. you will never know if you're going to see that person again, if it could have been your soulmate, the one that could have been around the rest of your life.

i think when you travel it happens a lot. you change places every week, even every few days. but somehow you always seem to meet those special people right before the next flight is gonna take off. you might have a few hours or days which makes it even harder in the end, cause you found someone you click with.

i don't think it's a matter of missed chances, it's just a matter of timing. being at the right place at the wrong time. or even the right time, just not long enough. then you have to say goodbye before you even really get to know each other.

is it patience that gets you where you are supposed to be? fate? coincidence?
it upsets me a lot of times, because it feels like missing out on something or someone.
it just sucks never being at the right place at the right time for long enough.

but then again i need to learn how to appreciate the people that are present in my life. i too often forget about them, because i'm so lost in my memories of the times where i have been truly happy.
there is a lot to learn in this life, especially relationship-wise for me. i think i hurt a lot of people in the past and i'm truly sorry.

i think it has something to do with always moving foward. exploring new places, always learning new things. so new people are the way to go. and i love meeting new people, but also reconnecting with old ones from time to time. i just get bored so easily, which has nothing to do with the person itself, more with the sheer nature of a relationship. whatever kind it may be. you know how they develope, what problems come up and that someone might get hurt. so i back out, a lot.
i'm horrible at saying goodbye. a quick hug or just a 'goodbye' is what covers my behavior most of the time. if you get more i'm really trying. i'm currently trying to find out why i act this way. first, i think i always assume that we're gonna see each other again and that acting/being really sad is a waste of time and energy. if there was a connection, it will always be there and we're gonna see each other again. and maybe i'll stay. it has nothing to do with how much i like someone. also, i hate hurting people. so i sometimes disappear from their life without saying a word, cause i think if i had told them i don't want to see them anymore, it would be worse. lately, i've come to realize that a rough cut would be better sometimes.

i don't know. relationship-wise my life is a mess. i left so many people in the states i really connected with. it does feel like home out there and i will keep on wondering what would have happened if i had stayed. i had the time of my life out there. words can not describe how awesome life was. but i know i gotta work on appreciating what and who i have in my life right now. great people can be found everywhere on this planet.

so i'm gonna move during the next few weeks. away from everything, again. i will say goodbye again. i'm gonna work on it, but if i fail, remember something: we're gonna see each other again and if you were part of my life i will always remember you.
we're all connected.