i'm back in germany. everyone's telling me it's a great country, it's not as bad as i think it is, i'm gonna get used to it. my simple answer is NO. i'm sorry but that's not me. you might be able to go back and live a life you love. and i'm happy for you. but for me, germany is like a prison.
the past days, i often had panic attacks where reality set in and i got so mad to be here again and not being able to change anything about it. stuck in this little tiny village where i feel like an outcast. it's a world i don't fit in.
i need wide open spaces, open minded people, people who's home is the world, a world where it doesn't matter what you wear. the only thing that matters is who you are and where to go to next. which corner of the world to discover. to live in paradise or in slums. but to live. truly live.
i think you only truly live when every moment is truly special and you learn something new everywhere you look. where you are amazed by what's going on around you and you tell yourself it's not real. that's when you live. when you look back and wish to be back for just a second before you move on to a new adventure in a whole new world.
i don't expect anyone to understand it. and i'm not even sure you can explain it. it's a feeling of being restless, not being satisfied with a life where everything's planned out. your next day, your next year, your whole freakin' life. i don't want to know what happens tomorrow. i want the next day to take me in and not let me go. and by the end of that day i want to be able to say 'that was the best day of my life'. not just another mediocre experience that gets you nowhere.
days where you get up early in the morning because you don't want to miss anything and then get tired way too early because you have seen so much. days you dream of that night because it left an impression, it changed something in you.
i'm trying to describe a feeling with words. such an overwhelming feeling that makes me feel like i'm choking while being here and makes me want to sing and dance and hug the whole world while on the road.
i'm not who i truly am out here. i try to, don't tell me i'm not trying. but it just doesn't work, because the environment isn't made for it.
sometimes i'm told i need to know what to do with my life. which direction to go. i know where to go and what to do, it just might seem to you like i have no plan. i want to live. i'm not much about being secure and having a retirement plan. it's about the now. it's about living in the moment. being alive. being free.
'don't feel guilty if you don't know what you wanna do with your life.
the most interesting people i know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
some of the most interesting 40-year olds i know still don't.'
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