empty hands.

 this is the end. the states are history. so many memories, places, people.
returning to europe means waking up. i am sure this whole trip will be nothing more than a beautiful dream. something that means the world to me, but there is no one to share it with. everyone is going to look at pictures and say something like 'that's beautiful', 'who's that?' or 'i'm so jealous'. they are gonna see, but they won't understand. and i won't blame them. how could they understand? they haven't been there, they haven't met those people or seen those places. those past 1.5 years have been a lonely road that was yet filled with beautiful people. people that mean the world to me. they are 'my' family. like the ones i want to return to after a long trip. the ones i'm saving up money for, just to hug them one more time. they have seen me 'grow up'. become the real me. or maybe they are the only ones who will have ever encountered the real me. maybe i won't be able who i am back in germany. it's just not the place.

576 days. 13824 hours. 829440 minutes or 49766400 seconds.

576 days that i am going to dream of.
13824 hours of sleeping, eating, laughing and crying.
829440 minutes i never want to forget.
49766400 seconds of learning.

i kissed some boys and i kissed some girls. i slept on couches, in beds and on the floor. swam in lakes and oceans. i learned to love. and i learned to lose. i learned to live.
and i learned that there are hundreds or thousands of people out there doing the same thing. that are restless. people that go from place to place without ever settling down. from a few of them i learned how to live that life in the future. beautiful souls.

it's not fear that wanted to keep me in the states. it's the beauty of freedom. to know it's easy to just go and live wherever you want to live. you don't need much money.

"if you really want to live the lifestyle i do, 
all you have to do is do it. 

no one is holding you back but yourself."

that's what i was told after i left hawaii. in the near future i will do things other people want me to do. it makes sense to me, so i agreed. this is about it.

i've been back in europe now for four days. and i believe in signs, so i can't help but seeing what rome taught me the first day and the following ones as one hell of a sign.
i got my wallet stolen. with everything but my passport in it. the first day back in europe.

"with empty hands i stand alone. 

but i'm holding on. i am holding on. 

i am holding on as my life it slips away."

all i wanted to do was get on the first plane back to new york. seriously. nothing like that ever happened over there. life was safe. and beautiful.
the next morning i woke up to a 10 euro bill right next to my pillow. the one giving it to me was a canadian. yes, canadians are incredibly nice, i can confirm that. the next one i met was an american. and yes, americans are also among the nicest people i've ever met. so the past days were just awesome. tonight, he left and the next one starting to talk to me was, guess! yeah, american. just like that we planned to have dinner tomorrow while watching gladiator in italian. crazy, but awesome.

i have not spoken more than 20 sentences in german since i've been back. the only people present in my life are americans. call that a sign.
now i feel like i return with nothing. and i literally do. you won't recognize me, because i am someone else now.
but note that i might have empty hands, but my heart is full of love.

life is far from perfect. that doesn't mean it is worthless. it is the most beautiful and precious thing we got.